Ct Hates Me

I think Connecticut hates me.

I've had 4 jobs in the past year and a half. I didn't have that many jobs in so little time even when I was a teenager.

Matt didn't really do anything for my birthday. He told me a few days before that we're strapped for cash, which I knew, but didn't even get me a CARD! All I wanted was a card with something nice written inside. A fucking $2 card!!! But he had plenty of money for Nascar shit. About $200 for that. Oh and $80 for a TV for HIS birthday.

I think I enable this shit. I let people get away with this shit. I must give out a vibe that says something along the lines of "You don't have to try for me, just treat me like some fucking room mate, it'll be fine" and "I don't want romance" and "When you're home just pretend I'm not here".

This is not meant to hit below the belt at all ,but no wonder his two main exes left him the way they did. Someone else was giving them the attention they wanted from him. Gods forbid he do it after like 6 months. Too much effort. I'm obviously not worth it to him anymore.

Needless to say, I am in a funk. I'm sick of this shit. I miss Pa. I have about 1 hour of motivation to try to be more happy again per day. Maybe. Every other hour is spent trying to make money, but failing, being somewhat depresssed, daydreaming about Pa, crying, wondering why I'm not worth effort anymore, and wondering how I'd go about moving back to Pa. Would he come with me? If he didn't would he miss me at all? Considering I'm not even worth a fucking birthday card, I wonder if I should bother worrying about any of that and get the fuck out of here anyway.

It feels like we're never going to get where we need to be anyway. Even when he has a good paycheck, saving ANY money is out of the question. It's like he has to spend every penny or he'll die. He could have put away a little from the past 2 or 3 paychecks, but all of that excess went to sports cards, and Nascar crap. Of which he already has a fuckload. $200 from 3 paychecks could have finally gotten me that engagement ring he CLAIMS to want to get me. Or paid for bills he wants to pay. Even that would have been better. I'll never get a ring, I'll never get married, I'll never have kids. Actually I would not let the kid part happen. I am having fucking kids. No matter what. Having kids is way more important to me than any of that other crap.

Either way, just thinking about all of this is upsetting. Knowing I'm considering what I'm considering makes me want to crawl under a blanket and sleep for a month.