Serious Thinking

I can't believe it's August tomorrow already. I'm kind of starting to get into the fall mood. Only a little though. It's usually worse by now. I think the horrendously bad winter we had last year is the reason for that.

I just got back from Maine. We were there for 5 days. It was very nice. I got so sun burned the first day there, that we had to wear sunscreen, which I hate doing, anytime we went on the beach after. Tuesday kind of sucked because of it, but I wore a nice long dress, and it was cool enough that day to wear a light hoodie to keep covered. I am nicely tan now :) I do already miss the beach. I think I miss the fresh air the most. The more I go to the beach now, the more I want a house someplace warm during the winter. I see the appeal of having a condo in Florida for winters when I'm older. They are so cheap down there right now. It'd be like a car payment every month.

I've been kind of planning to try ot get back to Pa this fall. For good. Everything is so different now. I try to imagine everything starting to get better for us, but I'm not sure he's capable of doing the things he claims to want to do. There are always excuses. He has an inability to save money at all. I'm not getting what I need emotionally or materialistically. I'm not meaning that in an overly materialistic way either. I want him to have a career, meaning I want him to go to school, like he says he wants to but never does anything about, I want him to try at least as hard as I do to provide for us and the relationship. He may try as hard, but he's not doing anything that provides any security. No career, no savings, nothing. I made the mistake of tellig him how much I had saved, which I now realize was a mistake, but it was in a heated arguement to prove that I can save money and he can't. Now that he knows, he's always like "You have the money to do that", but he doesn't seem to understand the point of SAVING money. The possibility of an emergency is one very important reason to have money saved. His car pooped out and now all he has is the bike, and he hates it. If he saved some money, he'd have another car. If he saved money, I'd have a long awaited engagement ring. I'm just not sure anything I want to happen is going to happen and I'm sick of sitting around waiting. And I'm getting very VERY resentful over pretty much all of it now. I'm wondering what took me so long to wake up, and why I let myself waste more time on someone who only wants to do what he wants to do. I'm not considered much anymore, and I'm certainly not feeling the respect I should have. I've numbed up to a lot of it, and I feel like I'm at a point right now where I'm at an in-between... If things stay as they are, I am going to keep getting more resentful and detatched, but if he decides to get his shit into gear, we could become closer again. I am in the mentality of being preapred to move to Pa by myself if I need to. Which means that if he decides he doesn't want to come, I'm going alone.

Sometimes I really miss living alone. I'm realizing how spoiled I was living alone. Knowing where everything of mine was all the time, putting things where I wanted them, having closet space... just me and the cats. And a bath tub. And a nice kitchen. I really miss my old apartment. I loved that place. And I let it go for this. I'm not sure it was worth it anymore. I'm finally not crying all the time anymore, but I think it was replaced with resentment. It doesn't matter how much I talk to him about all of it, and even when I tell him I feel like this, it goes back to "normal" within a couple weeks anyway. I may as well be alone since that's how it feels here anyway.

I wonder if I was a farmer's wife in my past life. There are few things I love more than the idea of being home, with my kids, baking, and making all sorts of home made goodness. Make my own teas, canning, growing my own veggies, herbs, fruits, and flowers, crafts... did I mention baking? I'm going to end up one of those single mom by choice people.

If I finish my appraising apprenticeship I can be a stay at home mom. Thats one thing I'll probably do when I move back to Pa. I doubt I'll get the job I really want in skin care, so appraising would be good too. Oh well...

Well, I think I'm going to bake something.

Changed

I think in the past 3 - 4 years I have a changed a bit. I put up with less bullshit than I used to. I like myself more. I've become kind of proud of my weirdnesses. I like it.

I've also been thinking that there's a part of me that can't wait to be a little older because then I'll finally have things in common with people my age. Why do people not typically get into gardening and canning, knitting and crocheting (you know, homey, natural things) until they are older? And why did I start getting into all of it when I was like 21? Thankfully I am ok with being alone on things. I guess I've gotten used to it a bit. I don't even think anyone in my family does a lot of what I like to do, so I have no idea where I get it.

Sometimes I think I am totally the earth mother type. I like to nurture. Now I just need some kids and a house with a nice big back yard :)

Still here?

Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm still here.

It could just be another phase, but I still miss it so much I cry. I'm tired of crying. I can't help but think it's my subconscious telling me it's not right.

Hopefully the new job will help. If not, then it's pretty obvious what has to happen, because thats the only hope I have left for being ok up here.

Ct Hates Me

I think Connecticut hates me.

I've had 4 jobs in the past year and a half. I didn't have that many jobs in so little time even when I was a teenager.

Matt didn't really do anything for my birthday. He told me a few days before that we're strapped for cash, which I knew, but didn't even get me a CARD! All I wanted was a card with something nice written inside. A fucking $2 card!!! But he had plenty of money for Nascar shit. About $200 for that. Oh and $80 for a TV for HIS birthday.

I think I enable this shit. I let people get away with this shit. I must give out a vibe that says something along the lines of "You don't have to try for me, just treat me like some fucking room mate, it'll be fine" and "I don't want romance" and "When you're home just pretend I'm not here".

This is not meant to hit below the belt at all ,but no wonder his two main exes left him the way they did. Someone else was giving them the attention they wanted from him. Gods forbid he do it after like 6 months. Too much effort. I'm obviously not worth it to him anymore.

Needless to say, I am in a funk. I'm sick of this shit. I miss Pa. I have about 1 hour of motivation to try to be more happy again per day. Maybe. Every other hour is spent trying to make money, but failing, being somewhat depresssed, daydreaming about Pa, crying, wondering why I'm not worth effort anymore, and wondering how I'd go about moving back to Pa. Would he come with me? If he didn't would he miss me at all? Considering I'm not even worth a fucking birthday card, I wonder if I should bother worrying about any of that and get the fuck out of here anyway.

It feels like we're never going to get where we need to be anyway. Even when he has a good paycheck, saving ANY money is out of the question. It's like he has to spend every penny or he'll die. He could have put away a little from the past 2 or 3 paychecks, but all of that excess went to sports cards, and Nascar crap. Of which he already has a fuckload. $200 from 3 paychecks could have finally gotten me that engagement ring he CLAIMS to want to get me. Or paid for bills he wants to pay. Even that would have been better. I'll never get a ring, I'll never get married, I'll never have kids. Actually I would not let the kid part happen. I am having fucking kids. No matter what. Having kids is way more important to me than any of that other crap.

Either way, just thinking about all of this is upsetting. Knowing I'm considering what I'm considering makes me want to crawl under a blanket and sleep for a month.

What I Moved Up To...

Did I really move up to someone who couldn't get me anything for my birthday because we're so broke, yet he still managed to buy $200 of Nascar crap for the flea market (which he has plenty of to sell and didn't really NEED more of)?

Did I really move up to someone who can't bother with romance or find any way to make me feel special at all anymore?

To think I was going to use the $75 I am making Thursday from my makeup gig to take him out for birthday dinner.

This is what I moved up to...

HARP!

I want to learn to play the harp.

Thank you.

Have a good night.

Back for Now

All of the trees are changing. It is so pretty. I wish I had time to go for a hike with the Boy.

My awesomely crazy schedule has gotten me sick. I am getting over it though. I took off Monday night from work. I slept in today. I think I was getting bronchitis. I was coughing so much my stomach muscles hurt. Monday when I stayed home I took like 4,000 mg of vitamin C, and I wokr up feeling a lot better the next day. Today even better. I have't coughed much at all today. I love vitamin C!

The spa opens on Saturday! It'll be so nice making people pretty again. So I'll be there 3 to 4 days a week now. Sundays will be by appointment only, because on weeks that I work Sundays, I'll be working 6 days that week. At first the boss put out our schedules and she had me Wednesday through Sunday, which meant I would have no days off with my other job. I would die of exhaustion. So I talked to her and we fixed it. I can't wait to start getting clients, and make money doing something I enjoy again.

I've watched Chocolat every day for the past few days. I've been wactching every Wednesday and Thursday for past few weeks while the Boy is gone. I love it.

I got my hula hoop out of the garage. I can hoop again. Yay!

I think I slept too much last night, I am not tired at all yet. I should be.

I had a good workout tonight. I've been sore from the Faire, picking knives off the ground that I missed the board with. Picking them up was a good workout. It made all the right places sore. I was hoping to go again this Sunday but I might have to work.

I am paying my phone bill tomorrow! SO can't wait to have that back.

I hope Sam isn't mad at me. I feel bad I didn't email her back sooner and now I haven't heard back from her. I guess that makes me a hypocrite. I've been so lazy when I am home latey. I just dont want to do much in the little time I have home anymore.

I can't wait for things to level out. I think I say that every day. Maybe by January. After I graduate nail school. I wonder if the Boy will start anything soon. To help us have a better life together the way I have been trying and doing. It sucks that we need money to make more money. And we have none.

As stressful as being this busy is, it's been nice, because it's going fast. On one hand I like it, on another I don't. For now though, it's ok.