Serious Thinking

I can't believe it's August tomorrow already. I'm kind of starting to get into the fall mood. Only a little though. It's usually worse by now. I think the horrendously bad winter we had last year is the reason for that.

I just got back from Maine. We were there for 5 days. It was very nice. I got so sun burned the first day there, that we had to wear sunscreen, which I hate doing, anytime we went on the beach after. Tuesday kind of sucked because of it, but I wore a nice long dress, and it was cool enough that day to wear a light hoodie to keep covered. I am nicely tan now :) I do already miss the beach. I think I miss the fresh air the most. The more I go to the beach now, the more I want a house someplace warm during the winter. I see the appeal of having a condo in Florida for winters when I'm older. They are so cheap down there right now. It'd be like a car payment every month.

I've been kind of planning to try ot get back to Pa this fall. For good. Everything is so different now. I try to imagine everything starting to get better for us, but I'm not sure he's capable of doing the things he claims to want to do. There are always excuses. He has an inability to save money at all. I'm not getting what I need emotionally or materialistically. I'm not meaning that in an overly materialistic way either. I want him to have a career, meaning I want him to go to school, like he says he wants to but never does anything about, I want him to try at least as hard as I do to provide for us and the relationship. He may try as hard, but he's not doing anything that provides any security. No career, no savings, nothing. I made the mistake of tellig him how much I had saved, which I now realize was a mistake, but it was in a heated arguement to prove that I can save money and he can't. Now that he knows, he's always like "You have the money to do that", but he doesn't seem to understand the point of SAVING money. The possibility of an emergency is one very important reason to have money saved. His car pooped out and now all he has is the bike, and he hates it. If he saved some money, he'd have another car. If he saved money, I'd have a long awaited engagement ring. I'm just not sure anything I want to happen is going to happen and I'm sick of sitting around waiting. And I'm getting very VERY resentful over pretty much all of it now. I'm wondering what took me so long to wake up, and why I let myself waste more time on someone who only wants to do what he wants to do. I'm not considered much anymore, and I'm certainly not feeling the respect I should have. I've numbed up to a lot of it, and I feel like I'm at a point right now where I'm at an in-between... If things stay as they are, I am going to keep getting more resentful and detatched, but if he decides to get his shit into gear, we could become closer again. I am in the mentality of being preapred to move to Pa by myself if I need to. Which means that if he decides he doesn't want to come, I'm going alone.

Sometimes I really miss living alone. I'm realizing how spoiled I was living alone. Knowing where everything of mine was all the time, putting things where I wanted them, having closet space... just me and the cats. And a bath tub. And a nice kitchen. I really miss my old apartment. I loved that place. And I let it go for this. I'm not sure it was worth it anymore. I'm finally not crying all the time anymore, but I think it was replaced with resentment. It doesn't matter how much I talk to him about all of it, and even when I tell him I feel like this, it goes back to "normal" within a couple weeks anyway. I may as well be alone since that's how it feels here anyway.

I wonder if I was a farmer's wife in my past life. There are few things I love more than the idea of being home, with my kids, baking, and making all sorts of home made goodness. Make my own teas, canning, growing my own veggies, herbs, fruits, and flowers, crafts... did I mention baking? I'm going to end up one of those single mom by choice people.

If I finish my appraising apprenticeship I can be a stay at home mom. Thats one thing I'll probably do when I move back to Pa. I doubt I'll get the job I really want in skin care, so appraising would be good too. Oh well...

Well, I think I'm going to bake something.