I am getting more and more annoyed by my mom's tone when it comes to Matt. She can't be happy for anything that has to do with us, she always has this fucking tone in her voice when she mentions anything having to do with him. I fucking hate it. Gods forbid she help me, or try to help make me happier, but she isn't getting what she wants so I guess I'll just catch shit every fucking day until she gets what she wants. When I think of moving back to Pa, part of me doesn't want to just piss her off, because it feels like she doesn't care about my happiness as much as she cares about hers. Its not even tied.
A couple weeks ago Don was going to take the caddy to fix Matt soon to be new car. When he found out what it was, which was after Matt already agreed to take it, advised against it because the car is supposedly not good, now doesn't want to take the caddy, but still offered to take a look? I'm sure matt caught the vibes Don was giving out, so now we have to waste more money getting the car fixed up here because Matt senses Don's negaticity toward the whole situation. I can tell they're hoping things will be wrong with it so they are proven right. When my mom mentiond it earlier, she had this tone that really pissed me off. I got short with her after that. I don't know how I put up with it. I guess she raised me that way. Meanwhile, Don's fixing my fucking ex's car, and they're all talky with him and everything. They want nothing to do with Matt though. Is this supposed to make me realize they care or something? Because all it's doing is pissing me off and proving how much BS I'm going to have to deal with ALL the fucking time from my mom from now on because she's not getting what she wants. When I am ok, she finds ways to piss me off or upset me, when I'm not ok, she uses it to try to get me back to Pa. I miss Pa a lot and all but this makes me want to move back WAY less.
It's time to speak up. I'm not dealing with it anymore. Am I supposed to be sorry I didn't stay someone that lied to me on a daily basis, and at the very least tried cheating on me with 2 different ex girlfriends? I deserve better than that but I guess I should have put up with it, and been depressed and upset in that situation longer because thats what mom wanted. Fucking wonderful. I guess as long as I do things the way she wants me to, she'll be happy and thats all that matters. I might not be entirely happy now, but giving up on a relationship with someone I love, and moving back to Pa only to possibly still not be happy will not solve my problems. I am still happier now than I was for the last year or more with the ex. So fuck that. When she gives me the fucking tone from now on, she's getting something back. I will not the fucking emotional/verbal doormat anymore. I deserve better than that. I can't help but wonder if she really cares how much that hurts me inside, or if she'll just think to keep doing it because the plan is to break me until I move back. It's really just making me resentful. Kind of like how she took Pauls side after we broke up... brings back those great memories...
Yeah, resentful is the word for it.
I need to make more friends so I don't feel like I only have my mom to talk to.
Maybe moving an hour closer will shut that shit up. At least for a while.
How they are toward Matt still really pisses me off. I would never treat someone my mom loved like that. Ever. Just out of respect for her. It really hurts that I don't have that respect in return.
I need to put a stop to this. I am worth that respect.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
So Behind
Sometimes I really miss my old apartment. Especially recently.
I miss having my cats around me all the time.
I miss having my stuff around.
I miss being treated special, and not just like some room mate.
I miss having enough money to do things.
I miss coming home from work, walking, then listening my music throughout the apartment while baking and cleaning.
I miss feeling like I had something to look forward to.
I miss having hope that things would work out.
I'm trying to weigh it out... remember what it was like on my own, and see if it might be a good thing to do again. Or at least go back to Pa, with him or without. I guess once I make up my mind, it'll be up to him whether or not he wants to come, and I need to be ready to take that risk. I'd like to think he;d come but I haven't been all pleasant since I moved up, because I'm not happy. What do I have to be happy about? That I went from my nice apartment with my kitties and my music and books around me all the time, to this place where the fiberglass isn't covered where we sleep in fucking basement, so it falls randomly, which one of the cats try to eat and then throw back up on a weekly basis, where it's cold, damp, and there are new bugs every day, I feel like I'm stepping on the room mate/owner of the house's toes because we don't give him nearly enough money and he obviously wants us out and I feel bad, I can't bake what I want because I don't have even half of my baking stuff here, my cats are trapped in the basement while I'm up in the warm-ish room, where the computers are, I'm here by myself a lot lately which makes the room mate situation weirder for me, and we are both making less money than right before I moved up and something always seems to get in the way of us getting an apartment.
On the other hand, I love him, and I'm not the give up on a relationship because of what could just be a phase type, but I do put up with more shit than most people I know... anyway, I have restarted training to become a real estate appraiser, and while it would be WAY easier to be doing it from Pa because I now have to drive there every week, it is still something I will have a year or so from now that will hopefully make me enough of a living to pay off old crap, get my credit better, and start a freaking life. I have at least one good friend up here.
I'm fogetting the point of all of this. I guess a lot points toward me having been WAY better of in Pa. While I know my answer to this question, a lot of people might have a different answer to: Is one person really worth staying in this situation?
Will I eventually regret wasting all of this time unhappy? I could go back to pa and pick up where I left off and if he came with me, we'd already be better off than we are here. Here feels like it was a big step backwards. We went forward moving in together, but went backwards everywhere else. I feel that if I just had him move to Pa from the start, we'd be so much further along in our plan. We've only taken one step in our two year plan, and there are still like 4 more expensive steps to go, and there are only about 6 months left of that plan. This doesn't look good. I need to stop planning things in my head, it's like a guarantee that it won't happen.
While he doesn't seem to be in any hurry, I am on a bit of a schedule, and I don't want to feel like I have to fulfill my quota the moment we finally get settled. I was hoping we'd pick things back up in time to relax a little and maybe take a vacation just the two of us for once, but if everything is going to take this long I'll have to get pregnant the moment our foot is in the door of our first home. Maybe sooner. I'm off the pill in a year and a half. No matter what. That's not a lot of time. There's not enough time anymore. I'm already so behind.
I miss having my cats around me all the time.
I miss having my stuff around.
I miss being treated special, and not just like some room mate.
I miss having enough money to do things.
I miss coming home from work, walking, then listening my music throughout the apartment while baking and cleaning.
I miss feeling like I had something to look forward to.
I miss having hope that things would work out.
I'm trying to weigh it out... remember what it was like on my own, and see if it might be a good thing to do again. Or at least go back to Pa, with him or without. I guess once I make up my mind, it'll be up to him whether or not he wants to come, and I need to be ready to take that risk. I'd like to think he;d come but I haven't been all pleasant since I moved up, because I'm not happy. What do I have to be happy about? That I went from my nice apartment with my kitties and my music and books around me all the time, to this place where the fiberglass isn't covered where we sleep in fucking basement, so it falls randomly, which one of the cats try to eat and then throw back up on a weekly basis, where it's cold, damp, and there are new bugs every day, I feel like I'm stepping on the room mate/owner of the house's toes because we don't give him nearly enough money and he obviously wants us out and I feel bad, I can't bake what I want because I don't have even half of my baking stuff here, my cats are trapped in the basement while I'm up in the warm-ish room, where the computers are, I'm here by myself a lot lately which makes the room mate situation weirder for me, and we are both making less money than right before I moved up and something always seems to get in the way of us getting an apartment.
On the other hand, I love him, and I'm not the give up on a relationship because of what could just be a phase type, but I do put up with more shit than most people I know... anyway, I have restarted training to become a real estate appraiser, and while it would be WAY easier to be doing it from Pa because I now have to drive there every week, it is still something I will have a year or so from now that will hopefully make me enough of a living to pay off old crap, get my credit better, and start a freaking life. I have at least one good friend up here.
I'm fogetting the point of all of this. I guess a lot points toward me having been WAY better of in Pa. While I know my answer to this question, a lot of people might have a different answer to: Is one person really worth staying in this situation?
Will I eventually regret wasting all of this time unhappy? I could go back to pa and pick up where I left off and if he came with me, we'd already be better off than we are here. Here feels like it was a big step backwards. We went forward moving in together, but went backwards everywhere else. I feel that if I just had him move to Pa from the start, we'd be so much further along in our plan. We've only taken one step in our two year plan, and there are still like 4 more expensive steps to go, and there are only about 6 months left of that plan. This doesn't look good. I need to stop planning things in my head, it's like a guarantee that it won't happen.
While he doesn't seem to be in any hurry, I am on a bit of a schedule, and I don't want to feel like I have to fulfill my quota the moment we finally get settled. I was hoping we'd pick things back up in time to relax a little and maybe take a vacation just the two of us for once, but if everything is going to take this long I'll have to get pregnant the moment our foot is in the door of our first home. Maybe sooner. I'm off the pill in a year and a half. No matter what. That's not a lot of time. There's not enough time anymore. I'm already so behind.
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