So Behind

Sometimes I really miss my old apartment. Especially recently.

I miss having my cats around me all the time.

I miss having my stuff around.

I miss being treated special, and not just like some room mate.

I miss having enough money to do things.

I miss coming home from work, walking, then listening my music throughout the apartment while baking and cleaning.

I miss feeling like I had something to look forward to.

I miss having hope that things would work out.

I'm trying to weigh it out... remember what it was like on my own, and see if it might be a good thing to do again. Or at least go back to Pa, with him or without. I guess once I make up my mind, it'll be up to him whether or not he wants to come, and I need to be ready to take that risk. I'd like to think he;d come but I haven't been all pleasant since I moved up, because I'm not happy. What do I have to be happy about? That I went from my nice apartment with my kitties and my music and books around me all the time, to this place where the fiberglass isn't covered where we sleep in fucking basement, so it falls randomly, which one of the cats try to eat and then throw back up on a weekly basis, where it's cold, damp, and there are new bugs every day, I feel like I'm stepping on the room mate/owner of the house's toes because we don't give him nearly enough money and he obviously wants us out and I feel bad, I can't bake what I want because I don't have even half of my baking stuff here, my cats are trapped in the basement while I'm up in the warm-ish room, where the computers are, I'm here by myself a lot lately which makes the room mate situation weirder for me, and we are both making less money than right before I moved up and something always seems to get in the way of us getting an apartment.

On the other hand, I love him, and I'm not the give up on a relationship because of what could just be a phase type, but I do put up with more shit than most people I know... anyway, I have restarted training to become a real estate appraiser, and while it would be WAY easier to be doing it from Pa because I now have to drive there every week, it is still something I will have a year or so from now that will hopefully make me enough of a living to pay off old crap, get my credit better, and start a freaking life. I have at least one good friend up here.

I'm fogetting the point of all of this. I guess a lot points toward me having been WAY better of in Pa. While I know my answer to this question, a lot of people might have a different answer to: Is one person really worth staying in this situation?

Will I eventually regret wasting all of this time unhappy? I could go back to pa and pick up where I left off and if he came with me, we'd already be better off than we are here. Here feels like it was a big step backwards. We went forward moving in together, but went backwards everywhere else. I feel that if I just had him move to Pa from the start, we'd be so much further along in our plan. We've only taken one step in our two year plan, and there are still like 4 more expensive steps to go, and there are only about 6 months left of that plan. This doesn't look good. I need to stop planning things in my head, it's like a guarantee that it won't happen.

While he doesn't seem to be in any hurry, I am on a bit of a schedule, and I don't want to feel like I have to fulfill my quota the moment we finally get settled. I was hoping we'd pick things back up in time to relax a little and maybe take a vacation just the two of us for once, but if everything is going to take this long I'll have to get pregnant the moment our foot is in the door of our first home. Maybe sooner. I'm off the pill in a year and a half. No matter what. That's not a lot of time. There's not enough time anymore. I'm already so behind.