Positives and Affirmations

It seems I need to concentrate on the positive a bit more...

-I am mostly healthy (anxiety is back a little, so my heart rate is up again - worrying all the time probably isn't good)

-I have money saved for an apartment and/or an emergency.

-I have two jobs that are paying my bills and then some.

-I am starting a career path again tomorrow. By this time next year I should be mostly finished my training to become an appraiser and if I'm given enough extra work, I could be making enough to be on my own in a nice place if need be.

-I think I am starting to re-realize my worth, and while on one hand, it hurts because I'm not sure others feel the same way, it might be a step closer to what I need to be happy in life.

-I have good friends.

-I am getting better at hooping :)

-I am funny.

-I am beautiful.

-I deserve the respect I give.

-I deserve to be happy.

-I am a Goddess.


And a rant, because I need it...

I have been concentrating a lot on the negative since I have moved up from Pa, and I know thats because I want to know I uprooted my life for something worth it. I want to see I am worth it. Maybe that's selfish, because I need/want the reassurance, but I think I wouldn't need it if it was shown more. It's tough when someone as sensitive as me has to try to see through someone else's thick emotional walls. I don't see why showing something you supposedly feel is so tough. I get it, but I think life is too short to not bask in lust, love, and all of the fun emotions involved. I live for that feeling in my stomach when I can tell by his actions how much he loves me back. The less I sense it form the other, the more it hurts me and goes away for me. I guess that's part of that dependent crap I have. I am slowly but surely becoming more independent, but I will never be completely independant. I'm not sure I am capable of it. The idea of another person relying on me the way I rely on them is so nice. Just not when I feel like it's one sided. Maybe I can become indelendent. Everything is so tough to try to see right now. I'm afraid to get my hopes up for anything out of fear that the rug will be ripped out from under me again. To the point where I can't get excited even at the IDEA of an apartment anymore. There's a part of me that's ready to just move back to pa and start from 2 years ago all over again. This week is 2 years for him and me. He's working nights all week, my work schedule changed, and we're not seeing each other much. Maybe its for the better. It's not like he'd do anything romantic for an anniversary type thing anyway. That romance stuff is long gone. That's what I get for believeing someone from the start instead of waiting and seeing if it's true or not... and I'm supposed to just believe everything that is said after changing stories, and the romance going out the window after like 4 months, after he said "I'm just a romantic guy. If it ever stops, you can slap me." The point is that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to see I'm so damn special if he made more of an effort before he really knew if he loved me, but now that he loves me, and has me, romance is gone. Maybe he thinks it's pointless because I'm here.

I want to see trying. He thinks that him simply working is supposed to show me, but he'd be working whether I'm here or not. It's been 99% up to me to call and make appointments to find us a place to live. So while he had no work all of last month, he couldn't pick up the phone once and make one appointment, but I've been working the whole time, and have managed to make like 8 appointments in just the past couple weeks... but I'm not trying any harder than he is... so he says. I think he might be one of those people where if he does something, it is way more important and tough to do, because he did it, but if someone else does it, it's not a big deal, it's JUST the dishes. So if I clean the bathroom, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and the cats littler boxes, good for me. But then when he does the laundry and vacuuming, which are easiest chores to do, it's somehow even or better. Maybe I should have seen it coming because of how he handles work. I think he's waiting for another job like this one where he can finish projects before the estimated time and get the extra hours for not having worked them. I also think he's expecting this job to become what it was for him three years ago again, and I don't see it happening. It would be nice though. I know I can do better than I am, which is what I am working toward. Driving to and from Pa every week for the next year or more is going to be tough, and I am not going to be exhausting myself and working hard to establish a career so that someone can live off of me. I deserve someone who will try at least as hard as me to have what we want with life and to be happy. No stay at home dad for me. Ew...

I am getting resentful, and that scares me. Everytime he says something I have some condescending retort happening in my head, and I hate that. I feel that if he at least STARTED to follow through with what he say he wants in life with me, it wouldn't be as bad and I'd be less worried, therefore, happier.

Hopefully things will get better before that click off happens, because once it's off, it doesn't come back on, and I am on the way to off. Moving to our own place is only a part of it at this point. I think the main hope I have left is that moving will start fixing things enough to prevent the click off. I think moving will make or break us. It is nice to know I have people willing to help me no matter what happens.

And I think that the combo of these hormone balancing herbs I've been taking are fighting with my birth control pills and makig me a little more looney. I'm going to stop the herbs for a little while. I had virtually no period this month, and I'm crabby, and I've been having dizzy spells. Makes me want to take a pregnancy test, just in case so I know to stop taking the bc pills on the very low chance I am.

Oh well. It is what it is. I either need to deal with everything or fix it the only way I can, which could hurt.