Positives and Affirmations

It seems I need to concentrate on the positive a bit more...

-I am mostly healthy (anxiety is back a little, so my heart rate is up again - worrying all the time probably isn't good)

-I have money saved for an apartment and/or an emergency.

-I have two jobs that are paying my bills and then some.

-I am starting a career path again tomorrow. By this time next year I should be mostly finished my training to become an appraiser and if I'm given enough extra work, I could be making enough to be on my own in a nice place if need be.

-I think I am starting to re-realize my worth, and while on one hand, it hurts because I'm not sure others feel the same way, it might be a step closer to what I need to be happy in life.

-I have good friends.

-I am getting better at hooping :)

-I am funny.

-I am beautiful.

-I deserve the respect I give.

-I deserve to be happy.

-I am a Goddess.


And a rant, because I need it...

I have been concentrating a lot on the negative since I have moved up from Pa, and I know thats because I want to know I uprooted my life for something worth it. I want to see I am worth it. Maybe that's selfish, because I need/want the reassurance, but I think I wouldn't need it if it was shown more. It's tough when someone as sensitive as me has to try to see through someone else's thick emotional walls. I don't see why showing something you supposedly feel is so tough. I get it, but I think life is too short to not bask in lust, love, and all of the fun emotions involved. I live for that feeling in my stomach when I can tell by his actions how much he loves me back. The less I sense it form the other, the more it hurts me and goes away for me. I guess that's part of that dependent crap I have. I am slowly but surely becoming more independent, but I will never be completely independant. I'm not sure I am capable of it. The idea of another person relying on me the way I rely on them is so nice. Just not when I feel like it's one sided. Maybe I can become indelendent. Everything is so tough to try to see right now. I'm afraid to get my hopes up for anything out of fear that the rug will be ripped out from under me again. To the point where I can't get excited even at the IDEA of an apartment anymore. There's a part of me that's ready to just move back to pa and start from 2 years ago all over again. This week is 2 years for him and me. He's working nights all week, my work schedule changed, and we're not seeing each other much. Maybe its for the better. It's not like he'd do anything romantic for an anniversary type thing anyway. That romance stuff is long gone. That's what I get for believeing someone from the start instead of waiting and seeing if it's true or not... and I'm supposed to just believe everything that is said after changing stories, and the romance going out the window after like 4 months, after he said "I'm just a romantic guy. If it ever stops, you can slap me." The point is that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to see I'm so damn special if he made more of an effort before he really knew if he loved me, but now that he loves me, and has me, romance is gone. Maybe he thinks it's pointless because I'm here.

I want to see trying. He thinks that him simply working is supposed to show me, but he'd be working whether I'm here or not. It's been 99% up to me to call and make appointments to find us a place to live. So while he had no work all of last month, he couldn't pick up the phone once and make one appointment, but I've been working the whole time, and have managed to make like 8 appointments in just the past couple weeks... but I'm not trying any harder than he is... so he says. I think he might be one of those people where if he does something, it is way more important and tough to do, because he did it, but if someone else does it, it's not a big deal, it's JUST the dishes. So if I clean the bathroom, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and the cats littler boxes, good for me. But then when he does the laundry and vacuuming, which are easiest chores to do, it's somehow even or better. Maybe I should have seen it coming because of how he handles work. I think he's waiting for another job like this one where he can finish projects before the estimated time and get the extra hours for not having worked them. I also think he's expecting this job to become what it was for him three years ago again, and I don't see it happening. It would be nice though. I know I can do better than I am, which is what I am working toward. Driving to and from Pa every week for the next year or more is going to be tough, and I am not going to be exhausting myself and working hard to establish a career so that someone can live off of me. I deserve someone who will try at least as hard as me to have what we want with life and to be happy. No stay at home dad for me. Ew...

I am getting resentful, and that scares me. Everytime he says something I have some condescending retort happening in my head, and I hate that. I feel that if he at least STARTED to follow through with what he say he wants in life with me, it wouldn't be as bad and I'd be less worried, therefore, happier.

Hopefully things will get better before that click off happens, because once it's off, it doesn't come back on, and I am on the way to off. Moving to our own place is only a part of it at this point. I think the main hope I have left is that moving will start fixing things enough to prevent the click off. I think moving will make or break us. It is nice to know I have people willing to help me no matter what happens.

And I think that the combo of these hormone balancing herbs I've been taking are fighting with my birth control pills and makig me a little more looney. I'm going to stop the herbs for a little while. I had virtually no period this month, and I'm crabby, and I've been having dizzy spells. Makes me want to take a pregnancy test, just in case so I know to stop taking the bc pills on the very low chance I am.

Oh well. It is what it is. I either need to deal with everything or fix it the only way I can, which could hurt.

Me Again

I'm always so concerned about him, and his reactions, and his feelings, and our life together, and our relationship...

What about me?

Where's the concern for me? From him and me.

I want to be me again.

Get it over with.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I slept alone last night.

He's not trying to find a better job. Still.

He's watching porn more than he's trying to have sex with me. Still.

I think he may have created an account on one of those find random whores to fuck type websites last month. He says it's from like 4 years ago but things point toward it being made last month.

He hasn't even tried to give me an orgasm in over 4 months. I'm not tough either.

I don't want to, and shouldn't have to, support my 40 year old boyfriend. I feel like I belong working in the strip club, I'm the girl supporting her bf just like them now.

I don't want to be in pain anymore, but I dread the pain of ending it too.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of not feeling like myself anymore.

I'm tired of being with someone that can't show me I'm worth some effort.

I want to be able to feel that he loves me, and wants me, but I'm not sure I see that happening. Ever. And I can't be with that.

If this is it, this is what I moved up to, it was not worth it at all, because I was shown I'm not worth it to him. I would be worth it for many other people.

If I move back to Pa I'll offer him a chance to move there with me, but I don't think he will. It would make more sense for me to be there doing this apprenticeship with my mom anyway. If he won't move there bc of FQ then that means FQ is more important than me and I'm better off without him anyway. I should be more important than a game to him, bc I am more important than a game.

Part of me just wants to leave to get the pain over with.

Maybe I should be on Tough Love.

Just in Case

Am I just selfish??? Or do I have a real reason to be unhappy with life right now?

The b/f hasn't worked all month, and I haven't heard abput any work yet, other than it'll pick up again in April.

The job he does have is (as of late) either not giving him work or giving him about 15 hours per week. In the fall and half of winter it was doing ok, but he wasn't able to save any money. Somehow... with us not really paying much rent. He tells me he has all of these bills to pay, but the next month they were never paid last month, and I have no idea where the money went.

Sex has become infrequent, except for the times I bitch about it being infrequent. All the while he tells me he has no libido, but manages to have it for porn when I'm not home, which brings back bad memories. Just because he's "not like Paul" I'm supposed to be ok with porn for him I guess.

He wants a house, and even though he's prequlified for a loan, it's not enough for a decent house, and we have no downpayment saved up.

I feel like he's on fb most of the day, but then when I get home is when he decides to start doing his "busy work" for fq, or whatever. He's usually at the other computer from which I get to stare at the back of his head all night. Most nights. He'll come over and sit next to me at the end of the night (once the internet on that computer goes out as it does every night).

Is it bad that I think to myself "I need a career because I can't count on anyone else to support me in any way" and "Once I'm making decent money I can support myself and my possbile future kids which I just might end up having on my own"?

I do need a career again. I started one at a good age, but the economy killed that industry in a lot of areas. This is a little more recession proof... the appraising. It might suck for a year but once it's done, I will be capable of making emough money to support a family, which I very well might end up doing.

I hate thinking like this. I just can't feel like I'm taking the back burner anymore. I'm worth way more than that, and if it's not worth it for him, it's not worth it for me. There are many people out there that would feel otherwise.

I'm tired of worrying, not knowing, not seeing proof, feeling anxious all the time because I'm not even sure how I'm going handle something... or not handle it. I can't help but feel that if there was some type of proof that he cared as much as I do, instead of everything rolling off him like water over an oily surface, I might not be so unsure, and unhappy, I might not feel like I have to do all of this for me, just in case. Again.

So I'm doing it, even if it means less me time, less time with the bf and less time with my friends for a little while. I guess it'll be a test of sorts.