Ct Hates Me

I think Connecticut hates me.

I've had 4 jobs in the past year and a half. I didn't have that many jobs in so little time even when I was a teenager.

Matt didn't really do anything for my birthday. He told me a few days before that we're strapped for cash, which I knew, but didn't even get me a CARD! All I wanted was a card with something nice written inside. A fucking $2 card!!! But he had plenty of money for Nascar shit. About $200 for that. Oh and $80 for a TV for HIS birthday.

I think I enable this shit. I let people get away with this shit. I must give out a vibe that says something along the lines of "You don't have to try for me, just treat me like some fucking room mate, it'll be fine" and "I don't want romance" and "When you're home just pretend I'm not here".

This is not meant to hit below the belt at all ,but no wonder his two main exes left him the way they did. Someone else was giving them the attention they wanted from him. Gods forbid he do it after like 6 months. Too much effort. I'm obviously not worth it to him anymore.

Needless to say, I am in a funk. I'm sick of this shit. I miss Pa. I have about 1 hour of motivation to try to be more happy again per day. Maybe. Every other hour is spent trying to make money, but failing, being somewhat depresssed, daydreaming about Pa, crying, wondering why I'm not worth effort anymore, and wondering how I'd go about moving back to Pa. Would he come with me? If he didn't would he miss me at all? Considering I'm not even worth a fucking birthday card, I wonder if I should bother worrying about any of that and get the fuck out of here anyway.

It feels like we're never going to get where we need to be anyway. Even when he has a good paycheck, saving ANY money is out of the question. It's like he has to spend every penny or he'll die. He could have put away a little from the past 2 or 3 paychecks, but all of that excess went to sports cards, and Nascar crap. Of which he already has a fuckload. $200 from 3 paychecks could have finally gotten me that engagement ring he CLAIMS to want to get me. Or paid for bills he wants to pay. Even that would have been better. I'll never get a ring, I'll never get married, I'll never have kids. Actually I would not let the kid part happen. I am having fucking kids. No matter what. Having kids is way more important to me than any of that other crap.

Either way, just thinking about all of this is upsetting. Knowing I'm considering what I'm considering makes me want to crawl under a blanket and sleep for a month.

What I Moved Up To...

Did I really move up to someone who couldn't get me anything for my birthday because we're so broke, yet he still managed to buy $200 of Nascar crap for the flea market (which he has plenty of to sell and didn't really NEED more of)?

Did I really move up to someone who can't bother with romance or find any way to make me feel special at all anymore?

To think I was going to use the $75 I am making Thursday from my makeup gig to take him out for birthday dinner.

This is what I moved up to...

HARP!

I want to learn to play the harp.

Thank you.

Have a good night.

Back for Now

All of the trees are changing. It is so pretty. I wish I had time to go for a hike with the Boy.

My awesomely crazy schedule has gotten me sick. I am getting over it though. I took off Monday night from work. I slept in today. I think I was getting bronchitis. I was coughing so much my stomach muscles hurt. Monday when I stayed home I took like 4,000 mg of vitamin C, and I wokr up feeling a lot better the next day. Today even better. I have't coughed much at all today. I love vitamin C!

The spa opens on Saturday! It'll be so nice making people pretty again. So I'll be there 3 to 4 days a week now. Sundays will be by appointment only, because on weeks that I work Sundays, I'll be working 6 days that week. At first the boss put out our schedules and she had me Wednesday through Sunday, which meant I would have no days off with my other job. I would die of exhaustion. So I talked to her and we fixed it. I can't wait to start getting clients, and make money doing something I enjoy again.

I've watched Chocolat every day for the past few days. I've been wactching every Wednesday and Thursday for past few weeks while the Boy is gone. I love it.

I got my hula hoop out of the garage. I can hoop again. Yay!

I think I slept too much last night, I am not tired at all yet. I should be.

I had a good workout tonight. I've been sore from the Faire, picking knives off the ground that I missed the board with. Picking them up was a good workout. It made all the right places sore. I was hoping to go again this Sunday but I might have to work.

I am paying my phone bill tomorrow! SO can't wait to have that back.

I hope Sam isn't mad at me. I feel bad I didn't email her back sooner and now I haven't heard back from her. I guess that makes me a hypocrite. I've been so lazy when I am home latey. I just dont want to do much in the little time I have home anymore.

I can't wait for things to level out. I think I say that every day. Maybe by January. After I graduate nail school. I wonder if the Boy will start anything soon. To help us have a better life together the way I have been trying and doing. It sucks that we need money to make more money. And we have none.

As stressful as being this busy is, it's been nice, because it's going fast. On one hand I like it, on another I don't. For now though, it's ok.

Updatey Stuff

I have been sooo busy lately. I have been meaning to post for a while now. The Boy and I are catching up on tv shows tonight. It's been a pretty good night. After Boy got home, I made dinner, which was yummy, and we went for a walk in the rain, but it started pouring on us, so we went home. We had some good talking though.

Because of school, the past few weeks have been flying. I love school, and I get excited for it every week.

The spa is opening two weeks from tomorrow. I have to practice eyelash extensions so I can offer them when we open. The owner is really cool, and open to our suggestions.

Dad came to visit this week, which was awesome. We only hung out for 4 hours but it was nice. We went out to dinner, then went for a walk and talked on the front porch for a while. He ended up giving me money for school which I did not expect at all. I am very grateful though, because I was behind.

I made spicey banana bread today. It turned out really good :)

Resentment

My mom situation is pissing me off. It's another one of those, she called me three times in the span of about 20 minutes one day. I was in the bathrrom showering and getting ready for work so I couldn't answer. I didn't even hear the phone ring. I tried calling her back three times once I was on my way to work. Then a couple more times the next day. She didn't answer or try to call me back. Then she acts all weird about us not taking for a couple days. As if it was my fault and my fault only. There shouldn't even BE a fualt! Because there shouldn't even be an issue. I guess if she can't talk to me EXACTLY when she wants to, she has to play games and manipulate to... I don't even know. I'm not going to feed into it anymore, all thats going to do is enable her. Every time this happens I get a little more resentful. I'm sure she's gotten resentful from me moving but this crap is not going to help us stay close with me living 230 miles away. I don't feel guilty anymore like I would have before. I'm just sick of it. I think the fact that I have so much respect for her as a friend and mother that I don't and wouldn't do any of that to her. But she does it to me all the time. I hear every little tone, get every little secret meaning, indirect comment, and sound that can could ever possibly make when she means more than what she's just saying. Igrew up with her, I inherited a lot of these traits. I KNOW them, and hearing her use them on me is painful. Sometimes it makes me think I did good moving here to get away from it. I don't react to her the way I react to other people. I am way less likely to say what I should say to defend myself. I guess she raised me that way.

It's bad that lately, I feel like I could compare her to Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond.

I don't want to get more resentful, but I don't think things will ever be the same. Especially since everything that happened with Paul. I don't completely trust her since then. It was a huge slap in the face... slap in the soul, really. If that hadn't happened, I know I wouldn't have been able to move up here. I think I grieved more over that than everything else happening back then.

Maybe thats my clue. To stop being a doormat for everyone, not just some people. She has some clever retort to everything. Like a fucking lawyer. Not really the truth, but fluff that shouldn't matter any more than the fact that she doesn't want to lose the fight that she started. No matter how stupid, selfish, or pointless it is. She has to win. I'm like one of her old boyfriends or ex husnads that she once felt the need to try to manipulate to get what she wanted instead of just fucking saying it like an adult should know how to do.

The Boy is actually teaching me to talk about things instead of doing that. I was always more likely to talk about the real problem than her, but I still have that ick in me that wants to play games instead. The difference between her and me is that I'm learning to stop instead of just finding another person to do it to.

Tired of it. Really.

First Day of School

My first day of school went pretty good. Waking up that early is an issue since I can't fall alseep before 2. I won't even be home until about 1:45 tonight so I'm destined to 6 hours of sleep again. Thats not good. I need my 7 - 8 hours. We're doing a small field trip tomorrow. We're going to a beauty supply store. It's a shame I have no money to spend on that stuff. She recommended getting a second set of tools. I think it can wait until I'm doing more though. After that we're all going to lunch. I think it'll take up the first half of the day, then we're all giving one another manicures when we get back. I giving my first manicure tomorrow!

It is such a fall day today. The sporatic fast moving clouds with occasional rain, the cool breeze, and the leaves starting to turn. It's kind of comforting, like I want to be at home making soup, and baking cookies. I'm through Wednesday though.

I still need my phone back. The Boy was supposed to be out of work by now and able to email me or talk to me online but there is no sign of him, and I have to leave for work soon. He said not to do anything about it, but I need it back. He just doesn't seem to get that ALL of my family is far away now, and my dad said he'd call about coming to see me after school tomorrow, and he won't be able to call, and my new boss at the spa is calling me Wednesday to confirm me learning eyelash extensions Thursday. I don't want to miss out on all of this because he wanted me to wait. I dont want the new boss to think I'm avoiding her at all or that I'm not resposible because I can't even pay my phone bill. Maybe I'll message her on facebook just to make sure. I don't want ANY possibility of ruining this spa job. I can't wait to start.

Stuff I Wanna Do!

I have sprouts in 4 of my 5 pots of things I planted. One of the pots has two things in it though. I'm not sure if this is ok, I didn't look up any possible ick on it, but I planted chamomile and feverfew in the same pot. One of those is sprouting. My wormwood is not sprounting yet, but the spearmint, oregano, and catnip are all giving me lots of little sproutlings. Yay!

I'm starting a list of things I want to do, or start doing. Some of them are start doing again type things. So, far I have... Starting yoga back up, trying raw food recipes, spinning, going back to a rock gym, take a fantasy/sci-fi makeup class, take a sewing class, take a stained glass class, take belly dance classes, take pole dancing classes, knit more, I want to practice with my voice again so that means doing my vocal exercises in the car at least once a week comparable to when I took lessons, hiking, walk more often again like I used to, start jogging, maybe even make it so I can jog 5 miles because I've never been able to, so then maybe even do a 5k, and thats about it for now. I'll put in more as I think of them. Sorry for any weird sentenceness and/or confusion.

Ok, the Boy is getting restless (we're in McDonalds for free wi-fi) so I have to go.

Taking Some Good with the Bad... Lots of Bitching

I got the job! I am an esthetician again! So happy about that. I can't wait to start. I start at the end of this month or the bgeinning of next month. I'm learning eyelash extensions, for free! Which is awesome, because I almost paid $500 for a class this past spring.

The day I had my interview and got hired, I got home to no cable and shortly after the internet went too because our bill is late. We scrounged every penny we have for rent. Phones are off too. While I am still excited about my new job, I am pretty miserable in ever other department. The Boy has been distant since the cable and internet went out, which is making me all insecure about us. He's going to be gone all week on top of that now, which means that since he's going to have internet in his hotels, he might not worry about hooking it back up at home until he gets home. I have a crap load of change wrapped up in my car to go in the bank to turn the phones back on, which will only work if my mom did put the rest of the money in my account from the work I did for her Tuesday.

I'm at McDonalds to use their free wi-fi. I'm such a loser right now. I can't stand this. The Boy has been through this before, and I have no idea how he is not more motivated than he is after having been through it. He has such a sense of entitlement, and I can not figure out where he could have gotten it from, because he hasn't done anything to earn it. I think he gets it from his mom, but she's done things with her life. I think he just picked it up from her, even though he doesn't have her motivation.

Today is a bad day. I have to ask girls at work if I can take a few shifts from them this month, and I have to talk to the manager about extra shifts and ask him why he passed over me for extra shifts to give those shifts to a girl that has been there 3 weeks. I've proven my reliability, and he gave it to her because he wants to sleep with her. That pisses me off. I have to say it nicer though. Thats going to be tough today.

I'm going to eat a little and go for a walk after this. I really need it. The Boy is at his parents helping replace the door. Our phones are out and I have no idea when he'll be home, or if he'll get home before I leave for work. I have no communication with any of my family or friends unless I'm at McDonalds, while he still has everyone near by, and can't show, or probably even feel, any empathy for my situation. I feel so fucking alone right now. I miss Pa, I miss my mom, and I miss having my life semi-together. SInce I moved up its just one thing after another to hold me back from what I want in life. Fucking tired of it. No matter how positive I try to see this whole fiasco, there is something there to contradict any good point I can think of right now. I feel like I moved up 250 miles, away from my family, my friends, and my whole childhood, only be with someone who can't muster up enough energy to show me half the affection and attention he gave me back when he still wanted something, or when I was still new and exciting to him. I ca't be the only one trying to inject fun into our relationship because it takes both people for it to actually work, and the more I feel shot down, or like he could just care less, or like he does the few things he does anymore just to shut me up about it. It's so obvious and he just denies. I'm an adiot for making everything so easy for him. I'm close to being done I think. That tired numb depression type thing I experienced last week was scary, but I think that if all of this keeps up, it'll happen until I'm over him.

I get like this when I feel like he could care less to see me or show any affection. I still have all of the same concerns I had a year ago, and it sucks. It's up to me to find all these jobs. When work is slow for him, I have to make up for it, when work is slow for me, I have to find a way to make it work. He has an inablility to see that he's unmotivated, and even lazy anymore. He gets to settle for what work gives him, but I have to try harder. One of two things is going to happen. I'm going to make more money some day and mostly suport us, or I'm going to make more money one day and have a nice place by myself. He realy thinks he's put as much toward bills as me. I've been keeping track of them in my phone, and I must say, I've paid much more. I was only short $25 this month for rent, and he makes a big deal out of getting the rest. He paid the phone bill last month too, so that puts him at an extra $125 for the past month. I paid our phone bill 5 months on my own, gave him an extra $270 the first month for rent, then about an extra $165 for gas that month. Puts me at + $435 toward bills over him. Thats just June. He let me go an extra $150 in July because of how much extra I put out in June. Down to +$285. August I gave $65 extra for rent, but he paid the phone bill so that takes $100 off me. That put me at +$250. I realize thats not a whole lot, but the point is I'm more likely to have the resposiblity to save and I end up being the idiot putting my savings into what he should be more than capable of paying. The fact that he seems to need to spend every penny he makes scares me. I can't be the ONLY resposibly one!

Holy stream of consciousness.

I'm not sure I even mean all of this, it's just crap pasing through my head.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier in Pa, than here in this situation.

I dont want to numb back up.

I can't wait to learn eyelash extensions, and start my skin care job. It might not make enough extra money from the start, but I'm getting experience again, and maybe I can do eyelash extension on my own somewhere in Ct where it won't compete with the spa I'll be working for extra money.

Stressed

I have an interview tomorrow. I'm probably too excited and hopeful about it. I'm afraid to get my hopes up too much about anything anymore. It's for an esthetician job at a spa that is opening at the end of this month or the beginning of October. So by the time that happens I should have basic manicures and pedicures under my belt and I can do those too. I might wander around the area and try to apply to some other places. I'd like to stay close by if I'm not doing skin care, I'd like to save the money on gas.

I really hope things start turning around soon. It still feels like everything is going wrong since I moved up here. I was so close to being caught up on things via money, and thats when I get fired from one of my jobs. The Boy made it known that it's not his fault we're behind on rent this month. He didn't say it was my fault, but it's not his, and it doesn't seem to matter that I've helped out way more in the past months when he was behind. Plus the fact I'd paid our phone bill for the past 5 months. Thats an extra $500-$600 I would have (and probably saved some of) if he paid his half of the bill. I gave him extra for rent last month, and gave extra money toward his end of the first month when we moved in in June on top of the deposit I did on my own. At least I know I should get that back when we go, and it will be mine. It sucks seeing how he thinks that way sometimes. When he's behind it's ok, because normally I'm the resposible one that can actually save money and save the day, but now when I'm behind it's not ok. I really hope that once I get some nail school experience I can get a job I enjoy for the first time in years. I applied to about 20 jobs today online.

I've got to say, there are a lot of things I'd like to buy in time for Samhain, plus I want to try spinning classes, try out the rock gym in manchester, and I want to be able to go a little nuts in Whole Foods one of these days so I can have everything I need for some of the raw recipes I want to try. I want hiking shoes in time for spring of next year as well, but I have a little time for that.

I finally set up my altar today. I unwrapped a lot of my better gemstones and placed them all over the place. I always like to have some near my plants. I swear, it makes them grow faster. I have my big awesome amethyst cluster near my freshly planted seeds in the window sill. Theres a big quartz I found in Maine there too. I think I need to recharge my jade ring.

I get to be alone again tomorrow night. This was nice, and I'm looking forward to it again tomorrow. I do miss my alone time. I didn't realize how much until recently.

Ok, time for seepies :)

Busy, Stiff Neck, Feel Like Making Something New

I have work tonight. I haven't gotten any new jobs or shifts yet. I need something. I'm thinking about going to the casinos on Thursday to look for jobs in the many resturants and bars they have there. I see opening for places in the casinos all the time on Craigslist. Some of those restaurants are nice, so to get in to one of them could be nice. Especially bartending.

I actually ended being a bit busier than anticipated last week and didn't make any fun new raw recipes. I might be able to on Thursday. I hope I can on Thursday. I need nut milk bags so I can make almond milk, and have the left over almond pulp to make almond flour to make some raw chocolate chip cookies.

The Boy and I did a little hike in the woods before work on Saturday. I was pretty down and he noticed and got me to start talking. Then I cried. I talked about everything on my mind lately, and how I've been feeling. I've been so out of it. It's weird because it seems like ever since I cried, I've been waking back up from a week or two long deep sleep or something. It felt like I was looking at everything through someone else's tired eyes. I figured it's either depression or something isn't right inside of me. That cry really helped though. He really helped me feel better too. Things just feel so hopeless right now. I'm tired of worrying.

I've been worrying more and more every day since I got fired about bills. Now I'm starting school for nails, and even though my mom said she'd help, I'm not sure she's going to help the way I might need if I don't get another job soon. So, job hunting Thursday will most likely take place. Casinos here I come!

Yesterday the Boy and I went to a couple flea markets, and I got two big freezer bags of embroidery thread for $7. I also got 4 books, which were only about a dollar each. Yay! I love flea markets. Afte rthat we had dinner at his mom's. We had pot roast and freash corn on the cob. I love corn. I'm trying to get myself tired of it before corn season ends. I think I'm having more today :)

My neck has been really stiff for the past week or so now. It keeps leading to a headache by the end of the day. I don't want to take excedrin every day. By the way it feels now, I'm going to need one later.

Got 'em!

Wow. September 1st already... it's the 2nd now, being after midnight and all, but oh well. I redyed my hair this morning. I have to stop waiting so long in between dyes. I never feel ike doing it but once I do, I realize how little time it takes all over again.

Sam and I went to Whole Foods today and I found my cookies!!! Found out they're vegan but not raw. I could have sworn they used to be, but maybe I read it wrong, maybe they changed it because of packaging not being ideal for raw foods, who knows. They are still all sorts of yummy! And not very high in calories :)

We also went for a walk in the woods. I wish it wasn't so humid. Could have done without the bugs too. A mosquito bit my head.

This is a short one because it's time for bed and I told the Boy I'd go in there like a half hour ago. Oops... Jusy not tired yet. I'm reading The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho, so I think I'll bring that in with me tonight. Good night!

New Ingredients

I went out and got some stuff for my raw food making quest. Considering how much I got, I didn't spend much. So I think I made out pretty well. I still want to get more. It seems I really need some raw almond butter. A lot of cookie recipes I want to try require it. I just remembered this monring that I already have raw almonds. They were on clearance at a Target in Maine, where I wouldn't have even thought to look, but the boy actually spotted them for me, so I got a bunch. They came in smaller packets so I got like 6 of them.

I still need to get the fruit roll trays for my dehydrator. I looked at Wal-Mart today but they didn't have dehydrators, let alone any accessories for them. I'll have to order them online. So making these tortilla chips might be a pain, but I'll still do it. Small batches at a time I guess.

I might be going to Whole Foods tomorrow to try to find those yummy raw cookies of years ago. I have a feeling they won't have them, but I still have to look :) I find it so funny that I was eating raw cookies before I ever realized there was a whole lifestyle for raw foods. Gods, they were good...

I've been dabating getting all of my old LJ journal postings in here. I actually kept on track with that one for a long time. I'm not sure I want some parts of my life from that in this new one, but it's still my life. So we'll see.

I'm about to leave to go for a walk. It's kind of hot, but it's been getting cooler a lot earlier lately, so I'm thinking that even though it'll be too hot when I start, it should be quite a bit better by the time I'm finishing up. At least it better be...

New Stuff!

I have decided I try at least one new raw recipe a week now that I have some extra time on my hands :)

Time for a good blog.

Ok, so, enough of the complaining... It seems I only post to vent the bad stuff, and I don't want it to be like that. It's not all the time and it's definately less lately, but I do feel better after I write about things, but I need to post either way, not only when its bad.

I read a bunch of other blogs. I go through phases of things I like doing. I always like doing those things, just not all the time. If that makes sense. I'm sure other Saggitarians would get it. So I have a lot of blogs on a lot of things I like to read. There are a few knitting blogs, raw food blogs, vegan, vegetarian, recipe, gardening, and friend's blogs. Since I started reading these blogs, I realized some or maybe even most of these people are stay at home moms, which, to a point I always wanted to be. I've realized that unless I win the lottery, which I don't even really play, that's not going to happen, but I get such a feeling of contentment thinking about some day not having to work full time to make ok money and to have time at home with my kid(s), have time to do my hobbies and interests that I see others writing about and doing, write my blog, and be a small part of this big blog world. Its weird that that makes me all fuzzy inside.

I have been doing a lot of reading into the raw food stuff. While I love the idea of it, I could never go 100% raw or vegan. I do think I could go 50% and maybe eventually 75%, but thats it. I tried my first raw food recipe... Raw Sweet Potato chips with cinnamon! They turned out ok, I should have drizzled some honey on them to add some sweetness because they weren't very sweet after dehydrating. Maybe a little sea salt too. I have another sweet potato ready for another round of chips. I really want to make raw tortilla chips, but I need more of those special fruit roll trays for my dehydrator. I only have olne for now so I'll have to try a small batch of it. I also want to make some raw cookies. When I was with my ex I lived around the corner from a Whole Foods, so I got to try new stuff from there all the time. I used to get these raw chocolate chip cookies, and I LOVED them! It was a good 5 or so years ago so I have no idea if they still make them, carry them, or if any of the Whole Foods up here in Ct carry them. I want to be able to make them. Especially if I can't find them again. I should try to find them next time I go. I wish remembered when I went a few weeks ago.

The boy and I went to a great flea market yesterday in (I think) northern Ma. I spent only a little over $25 and came home with sooo much fun stuff. I think I could have an ivy themed kitchen now. I love it! I can't wait to go again.

I lost one of my jobs last week, but I might be getting another shift at the other place starting this week. I hope so, it would really take some of the panic out of me involving money. It'll still cut it close but not like before. I am going to miss bartending though. I really like making all of those fun drinks. I might try to find a bartending job for one or two days a week somewhere again. Maybe the place I am now will let me on a slower day sometime. Oh well, for now it's waitressing. I can live with that.

Ok, I need to find something to eat and go to the local health food store.

Enabler

SO he's mad at me for paying the phone bill. I was supposed to save that money to contribute toward the first month of rent after I already gave the deposit on my own. So, I'm supposed to give 900 while he gives 500... that's fair......

I am so afraid that it's going to be like this every month. I make less than him but I'm expected to pay more? I know it's premature to assume I'll be paying more on everything, but based on everything so far, it's not unrealistic. I'm bad with money, he's REALLY bad with money. I can see why it affected past relationships. He gets his paychecks and goes nutty with buying stuff before he pays his bills, then doesn't have enough for all of his bills. I know when to stop bc I'm cutting it really close. He doesn't. I strongly doubt he'd let me take control of his paychecks and such. Plus, it direct deposited into his account. If I do end up paying more than my share of bills in the first few months, I will recommend that. I'm the only one that can save it seems, and I should be given that chance... I should not be needing to pay for my 40 year old boyfriend to have a place to live.

So I also did all sorts of cleaning today. That doesn't matter though, bc he's mad. I guess bills and cleaning stand for nothing anymore. Goddess knows he won't do it. He'll gett pissy if he has to do it when he was waiting for me to do it. GODS FORBID his computer time get cut, and he do more than dishes once every to every other week, the laundry (what a joke, so easy, not even a chore!), and vacuum once every few months. When he does something its worth more than if anyone else does it.

Maybe I'm enabling him by doing it. I do like a clean house. He said he does too, but maybe not. Maybe I'm becoming mom. I am so not paying for everything AND doing all of the housework.

He's doing his distant thing now. Maybe he'll think about it tomorrow and realize how stupid he's being. Maybe he'll be stubborn and stick to his guns. Maybe he's partially mad at himself for not being able to save and is taking it out on me. Its not my fault. I'm just trying to be resposible. Someone has to. This used to bother me much more though. I would normally be pretty unravelled right now. Obviously I'm worried but it's more about my end of the long term than him being mad at me now. Whatever. He should be able to see how he is being, especially if he expects me to see how I am sometimes. And I do. He would be a hypocrite if he didn't realize how rediculous he's being. I have to talk to him if something is wrong, but gods forbid he talk to me. Typical man.

Resentment

I am getting more and more annoyed by my mom's tone when it comes to Matt. She can't be happy for anything that has to do with us, she always has this fucking tone in her voice when she mentions anything having to do with him. I fucking hate it. Gods forbid she help me, or try to help make me happier, but she isn't getting what she wants so I guess I'll just catch shit every fucking day until she gets what she wants. When I think of moving back to Pa, part of me doesn't want to just piss her off, because it feels like she doesn't care about my happiness as much as she cares about hers. Its not even tied.

A couple weeks ago Don was going to take the caddy to fix Matt soon to be new car. When he found out what it was, which was after Matt already agreed to take it, advised against it because the car is supposedly not good, now doesn't want to take the caddy, but still offered to take a look? I'm sure matt caught the vibes Don was giving out, so now we have to waste more money getting the car fixed up here because Matt senses Don's negaticity toward the whole situation. I can tell they're hoping things will be wrong with it so they are proven right. When my mom mentiond it earlier, she had this tone that really pissed me off. I got short with her after that. I don't know how I put up with it. I guess she raised me that way. Meanwhile, Don's fixing my fucking ex's car, and they're all talky with him and everything. They want nothing to do with Matt though. Is this supposed to make me realize they care or something? Because all it's doing is pissing me off and proving how much BS I'm going to have to deal with ALL the fucking time from my mom from now on because she's not getting what she wants. When I am ok, she finds ways to piss me off or upset me, when I'm not ok, she uses it to try to get me back to Pa. I miss Pa a lot and all but this makes me want to move back WAY less.

It's time to speak up. I'm not dealing with it anymore. Am I supposed to be sorry I didn't stay someone that lied to me on a daily basis, and at the very least tried cheating on me with 2 different ex girlfriends? I deserve better than that but I guess I should have put up with it, and been depressed and upset in that situation longer because thats what mom wanted. Fucking wonderful. I guess as long as I do things the way she wants me to, she'll be happy and thats all that matters. I might not be entirely happy now, but giving up on a relationship with someone I love, and moving back to Pa only to possibly still not be happy will not solve my problems. I am still happier now than I was for the last year or more with the ex. So fuck that. When she gives me the fucking tone from now on, she's getting something back. I will not the fucking emotional/verbal doormat anymore. I deserve better than that. I can't help but wonder if she really cares how much that hurts me inside, or if she'll just think to keep doing it because the plan is to break me until I move back. It's really just making me resentful. Kind of like how she took Pauls side after we broke up... brings back those great memories...

Yeah, resentful is the word for it.

I need to make more friends so I don't feel like I only have my mom to talk to.

Maybe moving an hour closer will shut that shit up. At least for a while.

How they are toward Matt still really pisses me off. I would never treat someone my mom loved like that. Ever. Just out of respect for her. It really hurts that I don't have that respect in return.

I need to put a stop to this. I am worth that respect.

So Behind

Sometimes I really miss my old apartment. Especially recently.

I miss having my cats around me all the time.

I miss having my stuff around.

I miss being treated special, and not just like some room mate.

I miss having enough money to do things.

I miss coming home from work, walking, then listening my music throughout the apartment while baking and cleaning.

I miss feeling like I had something to look forward to.

I miss having hope that things would work out.

I'm trying to weigh it out... remember what it was like on my own, and see if it might be a good thing to do again. Or at least go back to Pa, with him or without. I guess once I make up my mind, it'll be up to him whether or not he wants to come, and I need to be ready to take that risk. I'd like to think he;d come but I haven't been all pleasant since I moved up, because I'm not happy. What do I have to be happy about? That I went from my nice apartment with my kitties and my music and books around me all the time, to this place where the fiberglass isn't covered where we sleep in fucking basement, so it falls randomly, which one of the cats try to eat and then throw back up on a weekly basis, where it's cold, damp, and there are new bugs every day, I feel like I'm stepping on the room mate/owner of the house's toes because we don't give him nearly enough money and he obviously wants us out and I feel bad, I can't bake what I want because I don't have even half of my baking stuff here, my cats are trapped in the basement while I'm up in the warm-ish room, where the computers are, I'm here by myself a lot lately which makes the room mate situation weirder for me, and we are both making less money than right before I moved up and something always seems to get in the way of us getting an apartment.

On the other hand, I love him, and I'm not the give up on a relationship because of what could just be a phase type, but I do put up with more shit than most people I know... anyway, I have restarted training to become a real estate appraiser, and while it would be WAY easier to be doing it from Pa because I now have to drive there every week, it is still something I will have a year or so from now that will hopefully make me enough of a living to pay off old crap, get my credit better, and start a freaking life. I have at least one good friend up here.

I'm fogetting the point of all of this. I guess a lot points toward me having been WAY better of in Pa. While I know my answer to this question, a lot of people might have a different answer to: Is one person really worth staying in this situation?

Will I eventually regret wasting all of this time unhappy? I could go back to pa and pick up where I left off and if he came with me, we'd already be better off than we are here. Here feels like it was a big step backwards. We went forward moving in together, but went backwards everywhere else. I feel that if I just had him move to Pa from the start, we'd be so much further along in our plan. We've only taken one step in our two year plan, and there are still like 4 more expensive steps to go, and there are only about 6 months left of that plan. This doesn't look good. I need to stop planning things in my head, it's like a guarantee that it won't happen.

While he doesn't seem to be in any hurry, I am on a bit of a schedule, and I don't want to feel like I have to fulfill my quota the moment we finally get settled. I was hoping we'd pick things back up in time to relax a little and maybe take a vacation just the two of us for once, but if everything is going to take this long I'll have to get pregnant the moment our foot is in the door of our first home. Maybe sooner. I'm off the pill in a year and a half. No matter what. That's not a lot of time. There's not enough time anymore. I'm already so behind.

Positives and Affirmations

It seems I need to concentrate on the positive a bit more...

-I am mostly healthy (anxiety is back a little, so my heart rate is up again - worrying all the time probably isn't good)

-I have money saved for an apartment and/or an emergency.

-I have two jobs that are paying my bills and then some.

-I am starting a career path again tomorrow. By this time next year I should be mostly finished my training to become an appraiser and if I'm given enough extra work, I could be making enough to be on my own in a nice place if need be.

-I think I am starting to re-realize my worth, and while on one hand, it hurts because I'm not sure others feel the same way, it might be a step closer to what I need to be happy in life.

-I have good friends.

-I am getting better at hooping :)

-I am funny.

-I am beautiful.

-I deserve the respect I give.

-I deserve to be happy.

-I am a Goddess.


And a rant, because I need it...

I have been concentrating a lot on the negative since I have moved up from Pa, and I know thats because I want to know I uprooted my life for something worth it. I want to see I am worth it. Maybe that's selfish, because I need/want the reassurance, but I think I wouldn't need it if it was shown more. It's tough when someone as sensitive as me has to try to see through someone else's thick emotional walls. I don't see why showing something you supposedly feel is so tough. I get it, but I think life is too short to not bask in lust, love, and all of the fun emotions involved. I live for that feeling in my stomach when I can tell by his actions how much he loves me back. The less I sense it form the other, the more it hurts me and goes away for me. I guess that's part of that dependent crap I have. I am slowly but surely becoming more independent, but I will never be completely independant. I'm not sure I am capable of it. The idea of another person relying on me the way I rely on them is so nice. Just not when I feel like it's one sided. Maybe I can become indelendent. Everything is so tough to try to see right now. I'm afraid to get my hopes up for anything out of fear that the rug will be ripped out from under me again. To the point where I can't get excited even at the IDEA of an apartment anymore. There's a part of me that's ready to just move back to pa and start from 2 years ago all over again. This week is 2 years for him and me. He's working nights all week, my work schedule changed, and we're not seeing each other much. Maybe its for the better. It's not like he'd do anything romantic for an anniversary type thing anyway. That romance stuff is long gone. That's what I get for believeing someone from the start instead of waiting and seeing if it's true or not... and I'm supposed to just believe everything that is said after changing stories, and the romance going out the window after like 4 months, after he said "I'm just a romantic guy. If it ever stops, you can slap me." The point is that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to see I'm so damn special if he made more of an effort before he really knew if he loved me, but now that he loves me, and has me, romance is gone. Maybe he thinks it's pointless because I'm here.

I want to see trying. He thinks that him simply working is supposed to show me, but he'd be working whether I'm here or not. It's been 99% up to me to call and make appointments to find us a place to live. So while he had no work all of last month, he couldn't pick up the phone once and make one appointment, but I've been working the whole time, and have managed to make like 8 appointments in just the past couple weeks... but I'm not trying any harder than he is... so he says. I think he might be one of those people where if he does something, it is way more important and tough to do, because he did it, but if someone else does it, it's not a big deal, it's JUST the dishes. So if I clean the bathroom, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and the cats littler boxes, good for me. But then when he does the laundry and vacuuming, which are easiest chores to do, it's somehow even or better. Maybe I should have seen it coming because of how he handles work. I think he's waiting for another job like this one where he can finish projects before the estimated time and get the extra hours for not having worked them. I also think he's expecting this job to become what it was for him three years ago again, and I don't see it happening. It would be nice though. I know I can do better than I am, which is what I am working toward. Driving to and from Pa every week for the next year or more is going to be tough, and I am not going to be exhausting myself and working hard to establish a career so that someone can live off of me. I deserve someone who will try at least as hard as me to have what we want with life and to be happy. No stay at home dad for me. Ew...

I am getting resentful, and that scares me. Everytime he says something I have some condescending retort happening in my head, and I hate that. I feel that if he at least STARTED to follow through with what he say he wants in life with me, it wouldn't be as bad and I'd be less worried, therefore, happier.

Hopefully things will get better before that click off happens, because once it's off, it doesn't come back on, and I am on the way to off. Moving to our own place is only a part of it at this point. I think the main hope I have left is that moving will start fixing things enough to prevent the click off. I think moving will make or break us. It is nice to know I have people willing to help me no matter what happens.

And I think that the combo of these hormone balancing herbs I've been taking are fighting with my birth control pills and makig me a little more looney. I'm going to stop the herbs for a little while. I had virtually no period this month, and I'm crabby, and I've been having dizzy spells. Makes me want to take a pregnancy test, just in case so I know to stop taking the bc pills on the very low chance I am.

Oh well. It is what it is. I either need to deal with everything or fix it the only way I can, which could hurt.

Me Again

I'm always so concerned about him, and his reactions, and his feelings, and our life together, and our relationship...

What about me?

Where's the concern for me? From him and me.

I want to be me again.

Get it over with.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I slept alone last night.

He's not trying to find a better job. Still.

He's watching porn more than he's trying to have sex with me. Still.

I think he may have created an account on one of those find random whores to fuck type websites last month. He says it's from like 4 years ago but things point toward it being made last month.

He hasn't even tried to give me an orgasm in over 4 months. I'm not tough either.

I don't want to, and shouldn't have to, support my 40 year old boyfriend. I feel like I belong working in the strip club, I'm the girl supporting her bf just like them now.

I don't want to be in pain anymore, but I dread the pain of ending it too.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of not feeling like myself anymore.

I'm tired of being with someone that can't show me I'm worth some effort.

I want to be able to feel that he loves me, and wants me, but I'm not sure I see that happening. Ever. And I can't be with that.

If this is it, this is what I moved up to, it was not worth it at all, because I was shown I'm not worth it to him. I would be worth it for many other people.

If I move back to Pa I'll offer him a chance to move there with me, but I don't think he will. It would make more sense for me to be there doing this apprenticeship with my mom anyway. If he won't move there bc of FQ then that means FQ is more important than me and I'm better off without him anyway. I should be more important than a game to him, bc I am more important than a game.

Part of me just wants to leave to get the pain over with.

Maybe I should be on Tough Love.

Just in Case

Am I just selfish??? Or do I have a real reason to be unhappy with life right now?

The b/f hasn't worked all month, and I haven't heard abput any work yet, other than it'll pick up again in April.

The job he does have is (as of late) either not giving him work or giving him about 15 hours per week. In the fall and half of winter it was doing ok, but he wasn't able to save any money. Somehow... with us not really paying much rent. He tells me he has all of these bills to pay, but the next month they were never paid last month, and I have no idea where the money went.

Sex has become infrequent, except for the times I bitch about it being infrequent. All the while he tells me he has no libido, but manages to have it for porn when I'm not home, which brings back bad memories. Just because he's "not like Paul" I'm supposed to be ok with porn for him I guess.

He wants a house, and even though he's prequlified for a loan, it's not enough for a decent house, and we have no downpayment saved up.

I feel like he's on fb most of the day, but then when I get home is when he decides to start doing his "busy work" for fq, or whatever. He's usually at the other computer from which I get to stare at the back of his head all night. Most nights. He'll come over and sit next to me at the end of the night (once the internet on that computer goes out as it does every night).

Is it bad that I think to myself "I need a career because I can't count on anyone else to support me in any way" and "Once I'm making decent money I can support myself and my possbile future kids which I just might end up having on my own"?

I do need a career again. I started one at a good age, but the economy killed that industry in a lot of areas. This is a little more recession proof... the appraising. It might suck for a year but once it's done, I will be capable of making emough money to support a family, which I very well might end up doing.

I hate thinking like this. I just can't feel like I'm taking the back burner anymore. I'm worth way more than that, and if it's not worth it for him, it's not worth it for me. There are many people out there that would feel otherwise.

I'm tired of worrying, not knowing, not seeing proof, feeling anxious all the time because I'm not even sure how I'm going handle something... or not handle it. I can't help but feel that if there was some type of proof that he cared as much as I do, instead of everything rolling off him like water over an oily surface, I might not be so unsure, and unhappy, I might not feel like I have to do all of this for me, just in case. Again.

So I'm doing it, even if it means less me time, less time with the bf and less time with my friends for a little while. I guess it'll be a test of sorts.

Fish Out of Water

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Put your MP3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the NEXT button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY
Long Long Journey

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Big Chair

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Dumb (haha!!!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Blossom

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
The Ocean

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Sara

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
Talk to Me

WHAT IS 2+2?
So Like a Rose

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Me and a Gun

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Superhero (interesting)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
10th Man Down

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Dance of Eternity

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Ladybird

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Beautiful Girl

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Warm Ways

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I Ran

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Reconsider Me

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
You are my Love

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
I Can't See New York

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Power

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Nightbird

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Do Do Do, Da Da Da

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Good Enough (wow...)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Stellar

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
What Is Love (wow again...)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Love me Two Times

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Bless the Child

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Glory Box (haha!)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Fish Out of Water

Back to Me... Again...

So the past week sucked, I lost a few pounds from it all, hopefully I can be semi-normal now that he seems to be trying again. Assuming that lasts. Hoping that lasts... I know I shouldn't depend on him so much to feel good about myself. I'm working on it.

It's spring now and I have things to do!

1.) Practice my hooping!!!
2.) Practice spinning my poi.
3.) Practice belly dance more like I used to.
4.) Start jogging with the walking and do new forms of exercises.
5.) Get a mountain bike and start doing that a couple times a week.
6.) Find some good hiking trails that are semi-close by.

The probably boring for you part... but big for me...

7.) BIG ONE - Talking to my mom and trying to work out becoming a real estate appraiser. Because I have done this her in the past, I might be able to get my license in NJ where she works, and transfer it up here, which would be quicker than if I just did it up here because she can give me more and better hours so I can take my state test sooner... like within the year. So, I have to do my 75 hours of coursework which I can do online to get my provisional license, get my 2500 hours of experience, which will be kept track of by my mom, since I already have experience from the apprecticeship I started with her a few years ago, it'll make less time for me to be able to get my license. I already know a lot of how to appraise the house, it's just the computer program, some lingo, and some legal stuff I need to learn. From what my mom said, once I finish the coursework, it's just studying for the state test thats a pain, but the rest is pretty easy because the computer program does all of the math for you.

I still want to do permanent makeup but this might be more realistic for now. I've always liked doing this with my mom too. Plus, once I'm licensed and getting work, I can work from home, and make my own hours (within reason), which will be great once it comes time to have kids and stuff. My mom makes pretty good money doing it too. I like jobs where the harder you work, the more money you make.

The coursework, which I have to do first for the provisional license, is only about $800 which is way less than the permanent makeup class, which is about $4500. I have the money for the coursework classes now, so as soon as I figure out how my mom and I could possibly do this, I'm doing that.

Back to normal crap.

Sometimes I wonder if once I have a decent career and a kid or two, I'll be more able to be happy and relax because I won't feel like I'm on some clock anymore. I can't help but think I won't be as dependant on a guy to feel good about myself anymore either. It seems the more independant I am, the more independant I become... It makes sense to me.

I do need more confidence in myself and other people though. Like the Depeche Mode quote...
"I hope you learn to trust, have faith in both of us, and keep room in your heart for two."
Well, that's me.

Got the sex twice in the past day though. Good stuff. Though, it's been so long and few and far between that I am sore for the first time in a really long time from the sex we had last night.

Trying to be more positive and have more belief in myself. There's no way I am regressing to how I was when I was with Paul.

Done for now.

Yoga Cat Lady = Me

Maybe I'll become one of those women who use things like yoga and exercise to get through life semi-happy. I'll need lots of cats too, of course.

It's becoming obvious that no guy will ever make me happy, and I'm not gay, so there needs to be some type of in-between. Perhaps a co-dependant friend, lots of cats, exercise (gotta love those endorphins), and lots of new hobbies... which I'll start but never finish.

I guess I'll always find things in people that will make me not entirely happy with them. I see through the attention whores, and then they just look stupid, so the moment a guy is around they aren't my friend as much as they are trying to get my boyfriend's attention, which of course will happen, because they are new and exciting and I'm old news.

It's officially Saturday, so it has been one week and 6 days since I last had sex with the man who claims to still be attracted to me. Wearing my hair down at home again worked for like a week or two, but he's used to that again. It's too cold to dress cute. I'm out of ideas for now. I hint. A lot. It goes ignored. I know he sees it, but he pretends not to. No one who is that good at reading people doesn't get the hint. Srsly.

I'm slowly going toward that ready to stop trying mode because I am just running out of ideas, and it sucks that I have to try so hard to get my own boyfriend's attention. It not only sucks, but it's just fucking wrong. I have good looking men tell me all the time how they'd never get tired of me... then again I think they all say that to get what they want, then once they do, they couldn't care less. HE should be trying for ME! I'm a fucking proverbial catch! Heehee... I amuse myself.

Fuck! I'm sick of dreaming about sex because I'm not getting it. 2 days in a row now. At this point, I think he'd rather smack it to porn or just not get it at all then have to deal with doing it with me. He hasn't given me an orgasm in over 3 months. If that doesn't prove how much he cares, I don't know what does... /sarcasm.

It might be time to start buying toys again.

Today

It sucks. I might explain later. If I feel like it.