My mom situation is pissing me off. It's another one of those, she called me three times in the span of about 20 minutes one day. I was in the bathrrom showering and getting ready for work so I couldn't answer. I didn't even hear the phone ring. I tried calling her back three times once I was on my way to work. Then a couple more times the next day. She didn't answer or try to call me back. Then she acts all weird about us not taking for a couple days. As if it was my fault and my fault only. There shouldn't even BE a fualt! Because there shouldn't even be an issue. I guess if she can't talk to me EXACTLY when she wants to, she has to play games and manipulate to... I don't even know. I'm not going to feed into it anymore, all thats going to do is enable her. Every time this happens I get a little more resentful. I'm sure she's gotten resentful from me moving but this crap is not going to help us stay close with me living 230 miles away. I don't feel guilty anymore like I would have before. I'm just sick of it. I think the fact that I have so much respect for her as a friend and mother that I don't and wouldn't do any of that to her. But she does it to me all the time. I hear every little tone, get every little secret meaning, indirect comment, and sound that can could ever possibly make when she means more than what she's just saying. Igrew up with her, I inherited a lot of these traits. I KNOW them, and hearing her use them on me is painful. Sometimes it makes me think I did good moving here to get away from it. I don't react to her the way I react to other people. I am way less likely to say what I should say to defend myself. I guess she raised me that way.
It's bad that lately, I feel like I could compare her to Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond.
I don't want to get more resentful, but I don't think things will ever be the same. Especially since everything that happened with Paul. I don't completely trust her since then. It was a huge slap in the face... slap in the soul, really. If that hadn't happened, I know I wouldn't have been able to move up here. I think I grieved more over that than everything else happening back then.
Maybe thats my clue. To stop being a doormat for everyone, not just some people. She has some clever retort to everything. Like a fucking lawyer. Not really the truth, but fluff that shouldn't matter any more than the fact that she doesn't want to lose the fight that she started. No matter how stupid, selfish, or pointless it is. She has to win. I'm like one of her old boyfriends or ex husnads that she once felt the need to try to manipulate to get what she wanted instead of just fucking saying it like an adult should know how to do.
The Boy is actually teaching me to talk about things instead of doing that. I was always more likely to talk about the real problem than her, but I still have that ick in me that wants to play games instead. The difference between her and me is that I'm learning to stop instead of just finding another person to do it to.
Tired of it. Really.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
First Day of School
My first day of school went pretty good. Waking up that early is an issue since I can't fall alseep before 2. I won't even be home until about 1:45 tonight so I'm destined to 6 hours of sleep again. Thats not good. I need my 7 - 8 hours. We're doing a small field trip tomorrow. We're going to a beauty supply store. It's a shame I have no money to spend on that stuff. She recommended getting a second set of tools. I think it can wait until I'm doing more though. After that we're all going to lunch. I think it'll take up the first half of the day, then we're all giving one another manicures when we get back. I giving my first manicure tomorrow!
It is such a fall day today. The sporatic fast moving clouds with occasional rain, the cool breeze, and the leaves starting to turn. It's kind of comforting, like I want to be at home making soup, and baking cookies. I'm through Wednesday though.
I still need my phone back. The Boy was supposed to be out of work by now and able to email me or talk to me online but there is no sign of him, and I have to leave for work soon. He said not to do anything about it, but I need it back. He just doesn't seem to get that ALL of my family is far away now, and my dad said he'd call about coming to see me after school tomorrow, and he won't be able to call, and my new boss at the spa is calling me Wednesday to confirm me learning eyelash extensions Thursday. I don't want to miss out on all of this because he wanted me to wait. I dont want the new boss to think I'm avoiding her at all or that I'm not resposible because I can't even pay my phone bill. Maybe I'll message her on facebook just to make sure. I don't want ANY possibility of ruining this spa job. I can't wait to start.
It is such a fall day today. The sporatic fast moving clouds with occasional rain, the cool breeze, and the leaves starting to turn. It's kind of comforting, like I want to be at home making soup, and baking cookies. I'm through Wednesday though.
I still need my phone back. The Boy was supposed to be out of work by now and able to email me or talk to me online but there is no sign of him, and I have to leave for work soon. He said not to do anything about it, but I need it back. He just doesn't seem to get that ALL of my family is far away now, and my dad said he'd call about coming to see me after school tomorrow, and he won't be able to call, and my new boss at the spa is calling me Wednesday to confirm me learning eyelash extensions Thursday. I don't want to miss out on all of this because he wanted me to wait. I dont want the new boss to think I'm avoiding her at all or that I'm not resposible because I can't even pay my phone bill. Maybe I'll message her on facebook just to make sure. I don't want ANY possibility of ruining this spa job. I can't wait to start.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Stuff I Wanna Do!
I have sprouts in 4 of my 5 pots of things I planted. One of the pots has two things in it though. I'm not sure if this is ok, I didn't look up any possible ick on it, but I planted chamomile and feverfew in the same pot. One of those is sprouting. My wormwood is not sprounting yet, but the spearmint, oregano, and catnip are all giving me lots of little sproutlings. Yay!
I'm starting a list of things I want to do, or start doing. Some of them are start doing again type things. So, far I have... Starting yoga back up, trying raw food recipes, spinning, going back to a rock gym, take a fantasy/sci-fi makeup class, take a sewing class, take a stained glass class, take belly dance classes, take pole dancing classes, knit more, I want to practice with my voice again so that means doing my vocal exercises in the car at least once a week comparable to when I took lessons, hiking, walk more often again like I used to, start jogging, maybe even make it so I can jog 5 miles because I've never been able to, so then maybe even do a 5k, and thats about it for now. I'll put in more as I think of them. Sorry for any weird sentenceness and/or confusion.
Ok, the Boy is getting restless (we're in McDonalds for free wi-fi) so I have to go.
I'm starting a list of things I want to do, or start doing. Some of them are start doing again type things. So, far I have... Starting yoga back up, trying raw food recipes, spinning, going back to a rock gym, take a fantasy/sci-fi makeup class, take a sewing class, take a stained glass class, take belly dance classes, take pole dancing classes, knit more, I want to practice with my voice again so that means doing my vocal exercises in the car at least once a week comparable to when I took lessons, hiking, walk more often again like I used to, start jogging, maybe even make it so I can jog 5 miles because I've never been able to, so then maybe even do a 5k, and thats about it for now. I'll put in more as I think of them. Sorry for any weird sentenceness and/or confusion.
Ok, the Boy is getting restless (we're in McDonalds for free wi-fi) so I have to go.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Taking Some Good with the Bad... Lots of Bitching
I got the job! I am an esthetician again! So happy about that. I can't wait to start. I start at the end of this month or the bgeinning of next month. I'm learning eyelash extensions, for free! Which is awesome, because I almost paid $500 for a class this past spring.
The day I had my interview and got hired, I got home to no cable and shortly after the internet went too because our bill is late. We scrounged every penny we have for rent. Phones are off too. While I am still excited about my new job, I am pretty miserable in ever other department. The Boy has been distant since the cable and internet went out, which is making me all insecure about us. He's going to be gone all week on top of that now, which means that since he's going to have internet in his hotels, he might not worry about hooking it back up at home until he gets home. I have a crap load of change wrapped up in my car to go in the bank to turn the phones back on, which will only work if my mom did put the rest of the money in my account from the work I did for her Tuesday.
I'm at McDonalds to use their free wi-fi. I'm such a loser right now. I can't stand this. The Boy has been through this before, and I have no idea how he is not more motivated than he is after having been through it. He has such a sense of entitlement, and I can not figure out where he could have gotten it from, because he hasn't done anything to earn it. I think he gets it from his mom, but she's done things with her life. I think he just picked it up from her, even though he doesn't have her motivation.
Today is a bad day. I have to ask girls at work if I can take a few shifts from them this month, and I have to talk to the manager about extra shifts and ask him why he passed over me for extra shifts to give those shifts to a girl that has been there 3 weeks. I've proven my reliability, and he gave it to her because he wants to sleep with her. That pisses me off. I have to say it nicer though. Thats going to be tough today.
I'm going to eat a little and go for a walk after this. I really need it. The Boy is at his parents helping replace the door. Our phones are out and I have no idea when he'll be home, or if he'll get home before I leave for work. I have no communication with any of my family or friends unless I'm at McDonalds, while he still has everyone near by, and can't show, or probably even feel, any empathy for my situation. I feel so fucking alone right now. I miss Pa, I miss my mom, and I miss having my life semi-together. SInce I moved up its just one thing after another to hold me back from what I want in life. Fucking tired of it. No matter how positive I try to see this whole fiasco, there is something there to contradict any good point I can think of right now. I feel like I moved up 250 miles, away from my family, my friends, and my whole childhood, only be with someone who can't muster up enough energy to show me half the affection and attention he gave me back when he still wanted something, or when I was still new and exciting to him. I ca't be the only one trying to inject fun into our relationship because it takes both people for it to actually work, and the more I feel shot down, or like he could just care less, or like he does the few things he does anymore just to shut me up about it. It's so obvious and he just denies. I'm an adiot for making everything so easy for him. I'm close to being done I think. That tired numb depression type thing I experienced last week was scary, but I think that if all of this keeps up, it'll happen until I'm over him.
I get like this when I feel like he could care less to see me or show any affection. I still have all of the same concerns I had a year ago, and it sucks. It's up to me to find all these jobs. When work is slow for him, I have to make up for it, when work is slow for me, I have to find a way to make it work. He has an inablility to see that he's unmotivated, and even lazy anymore. He gets to settle for what work gives him, but I have to try harder. One of two things is going to happen. I'm going to make more money some day and mostly suport us, or I'm going to make more money one day and have a nice place by myself. He realy thinks he's put as much toward bills as me. I've been keeping track of them in my phone, and I must say, I've paid much more. I was only short $25 this month for rent, and he makes a big deal out of getting the rest. He paid the phone bill last month too, so that puts him at an extra $125 for the past month. I paid our phone bill 5 months on my own, gave him an extra $270 the first month for rent, then about an extra $165 for gas that month. Puts me at + $435 toward bills over him. Thats just June. He let me go an extra $150 in July because of how much extra I put out in June. Down to +$285. August I gave $65 extra for rent, but he paid the phone bill so that takes $100 off me. That put me at +$250. I realize thats not a whole lot, but the point is I'm more likely to have the resposiblity to save and I end up being the idiot putting my savings into what he should be more than capable of paying. The fact that he seems to need to spend every penny he makes scares me. I can't be the ONLY resposibly one!
Holy stream of consciousness.
I'm not sure I even mean all of this, it's just crap pasing through my head.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier in Pa, than here in this situation.
I dont want to numb back up.
I can't wait to learn eyelash extensions, and start my skin care job. It might not make enough extra money from the start, but I'm getting experience again, and maybe I can do eyelash extension on my own somewhere in Ct where it won't compete with the spa I'll be working for extra money.
The day I had my interview and got hired, I got home to no cable and shortly after the internet went too because our bill is late. We scrounged every penny we have for rent. Phones are off too. While I am still excited about my new job, I am pretty miserable in ever other department. The Boy has been distant since the cable and internet went out, which is making me all insecure about us. He's going to be gone all week on top of that now, which means that since he's going to have internet in his hotels, he might not worry about hooking it back up at home until he gets home. I have a crap load of change wrapped up in my car to go in the bank to turn the phones back on, which will only work if my mom did put the rest of the money in my account from the work I did for her Tuesday.
I'm at McDonalds to use their free wi-fi. I'm such a loser right now. I can't stand this. The Boy has been through this before, and I have no idea how he is not more motivated than he is after having been through it. He has such a sense of entitlement, and I can not figure out where he could have gotten it from, because he hasn't done anything to earn it. I think he gets it from his mom, but she's done things with her life. I think he just picked it up from her, even though he doesn't have her motivation.
Today is a bad day. I have to ask girls at work if I can take a few shifts from them this month, and I have to talk to the manager about extra shifts and ask him why he passed over me for extra shifts to give those shifts to a girl that has been there 3 weeks. I've proven my reliability, and he gave it to her because he wants to sleep with her. That pisses me off. I have to say it nicer though. Thats going to be tough today.
I'm going to eat a little and go for a walk after this. I really need it. The Boy is at his parents helping replace the door. Our phones are out and I have no idea when he'll be home, or if he'll get home before I leave for work. I have no communication with any of my family or friends unless I'm at McDonalds, while he still has everyone near by, and can't show, or probably even feel, any empathy for my situation. I feel so fucking alone right now. I miss Pa, I miss my mom, and I miss having my life semi-together. SInce I moved up its just one thing after another to hold me back from what I want in life. Fucking tired of it. No matter how positive I try to see this whole fiasco, there is something there to contradict any good point I can think of right now. I feel like I moved up 250 miles, away from my family, my friends, and my whole childhood, only be with someone who can't muster up enough energy to show me half the affection and attention he gave me back when he still wanted something, or when I was still new and exciting to him. I ca't be the only one trying to inject fun into our relationship because it takes both people for it to actually work, and the more I feel shot down, or like he could just care less, or like he does the few things he does anymore just to shut me up about it. It's so obvious and he just denies. I'm an adiot for making everything so easy for him. I'm close to being done I think. That tired numb depression type thing I experienced last week was scary, but I think that if all of this keeps up, it'll happen until I'm over him.
I get like this when I feel like he could care less to see me or show any affection. I still have all of the same concerns I had a year ago, and it sucks. It's up to me to find all these jobs. When work is slow for him, I have to make up for it, when work is slow for me, I have to find a way to make it work. He has an inablility to see that he's unmotivated, and even lazy anymore. He gets to settle for what work gives him, but I have to try harder. One of two things is going to happen. I'm going to make more money some day and mostly suport us, or I'm going to make more money one day and have a nice place by myself. He realy thinks he's put as much toward bills as me. I've been keeping track of them in my phone, and I must say, I've paid much more. I was only short $25 this month for rent, and he makes a big deal out of getting the rest. He paid the phone bill last month too, so that puts him at an extra $125 for the past month. I paid our phone bill 5 months on my own, gave him an extra $270 the first month for rent, then about an extra $165 for gas that month. Puts me at + $435 toward bills over him. Thats just June. He let me go an extra $150 in July because of how much extra I put out in June. Down to +$285. August I gave $65 extra for rent, but he paid the phone bill so that takes $100 off me. That put me at +$250. I realize thats not a whole lot, but the point is I'm more likely to have the resposiblity to save and I end up being the idiot putting my savings into what he should be more than capable of paying. The fact that he seems to need to spend every penny he makes scares me. I can't be the ONLY resposibly one!
Holy stream of consciousness.
I'm not sure I even mean all of this, it's just crap pasing through my head.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier in Pa, than here in this situation.
I dont want to numb back up.
I can't wait to learn eyelash extensions, and start my skin care job. It might not make enough extra money from the start, but I'm getting experience again, and maybe I can do eyelash extension on my own somewhere in Ct where it won't compete with the spa I'll be working for extra money.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Stressed
I have an interview tomorrow. I'm probably too excited and hopeful about it. I'm afraid to get my hopes up too much about anything anymore. It's for an esthetician job at a spa that is opening at the end of this month or the beginning of October. So by the time that happens I should have basic manicures and pedicures under my belt and I can do those too. I might wander around the area and try to apply to some other places. I'd like to stay close by if I'm not doing skin care, I'd like to save the money on gas.
I really hope things start turning around soon. It still feels like everything is going wrong since I moved up here. I was so close to being caught up on things via money, and thats when I get fired from one of my jobs. The Boy made it known that it's not his fault we're behind on rent this month. He didn't say it was my fault, but it's not his, and it doesn't seem to matter that I've helped out way more in the past months when he was behind. Plus the fact I'd paid our phone bill for the past 5 months. Thats an extra $500-$600 I would have (and probably saved some of) if he paid his half of the bill. I gave him extra for rent last month, and gave extra money toward his end of the first month when we moved in in June on top of the deposit I did on my own. At least I know I should get that back when we go, and it will be mine. It sucks seeing how he thinks that way sometimes. When he's behind it's ok, because normally I'm the resposible one that can actually save money and save the day, but now when I'm behind it's not ok. I really hope that once I get some nail school experience I can get a job I enjoy for the first time in years. I applied to about 20 jobs today online.
I've got to say, there are a lot of things I'd like to buy in time for Samhain, plus I want to try spinning classes, try out the rock gym in manchester, and I want to be able to go a little nuts in Whole Foods one of these days so I can have everything I need for some of the raw recipes I want to try. I want hiking shoes in time for spring of next year as well, but I have a little time for that.
I finally set up my altar today. I unwrapped a lot of my better gemstones and placed them all over the place. I always like to have some near my plants. I swear, it makes them grow faster. I have my big awesome amethyst cluster near my freshly planted seeds in the window sill. Theres a big quartz I found in Maine there too. I think I need to recharge my jade ring.
I get to be alone again tomorrow night. This was nice, and I'm looking forward to it again tomorrow. I do miss my alone time. I didn't realize how much until recently.
Ok, time for seepies :)
I really hope things start turning around soon. It still feels like everything is going wrong since I moved up here. I was so close to being caught up on things via money, and thats when I get fired from one of my jobs. The Boy made it known that it's not his fault we're behind on rent this month. He didn't say it was my fault, but it's not his, and it doesn't seem to matter that I've helped out way more in the past months when he was behind. Plus the fact I'd paid our phone bill for the past 5 months. Thats an extra $500-$600 I would have (and probably saved some of) if he paid his half of the bill. I gave him extra for rent last month, and gave extra money toward his end of the first month when we moved in in June on top of the deposit I did on my own. At least I know I should get that back when we go, and it will be mine. It sucks seeing how he thinks that way sometimes. When he's behind it's ok, because normally I'm the resposible one that can actually save money and save the day, but now when I'm behind it's not ok. I really hope that once I get some nail school experience I can get a job I enjoy for the first time in years. I applied to about 20 jobs today online.
I've got to say, there are a lot of things I'd like to buy in time for Samhain, plus I want to try spinning classes, try out the rock gym in manchester, and I want to be able to go a little nuts in Whole Foods one of these days so I can have everything I need for some of the raw recipes I want to try. I want hiking shoes in time for spring of next year as well, but I have a little time for that.
I finally set up my altar today. I unwrapped a lot of my better gemstones and placed them all over the place. I always like to have some near my plants. I swear, it makes them grow faster. I have my big awesome amethyst cluster near my freshly planted seeds in the window sill. Theres a big quartz I found in Maine there too. I think I need to recharge my jade ring.
I get to be alone again tomorrow night. This was nice, and I'm looking forward to it again tomorrow. I do miss my alone time. I didn't realize how much until recently.
Ok, time for seepies :)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Busy, Stiff Neck, Feel Like Making Something New
I have work tonight. I haven't gotten any new jobs or shifts yet. I need something. I'm thinking about going to the casinos on Thursday to look for jobs in the many resturants and bars they have there. I see opening for places in the casinos all the time on Craigslist. Some of those restaurants are nice, so to get in to one of them could be nice. Especially bartending.
I actually ended being a bit busier than anticipated last week and didn't make any fun new raw recipes. I might be able to on Thursday. I hope I can on Thursday. I need nut milk bags so I can make almond milk, and have the left over almond pulp to make almond flour to make some raw chocolate chip cookies.
The Boy and I did a little hike in the woods before work on Saturday. I was pretty down and he noticed and got me to start talking. Then I cried. I talked about everything on my mind lately, and how I've been feeling. I've been so out of it. It's weird because it seems like ever since I cried, I've been waking back up from a week or two long deep sleep or something. It felt like I was looking at everything through someone else's tired eyes. I figured it's either depression or something isn't right inside of me. That cry really helped though. He really helped me feel better too. Things just feel so hopeless right now. I'm tired of worrying.
I've been worrying more and more every day since I got fired about bills. Now I'm starting school for nails, and even though my mom said she'd help, I'm not sure she's going to help the way I might need if I don't get another job soon. So, job hunting Thursday will most likely take place. Casinos here I come!
Yesterday the Boy and I went to a couple flea markets, and I got two big freezer bags of embroidery thread for $7. I also got 4 books, which were only about a dollar each. Yay! I love flea markets. Afte rthat we had dinner at his mom's. We had pot roast and freash corn on the cob. I love corn. I'm trying to get myself tired of it before corn season ends. I think I'm having more today :)
My neck has been really stiff for the past week or so now. It keeps leading to a headache by the end of the day. I don't want to take excedrin every day. By the way it feels now, I'm going to need one later.
I actually ended being a bit busier than anticipated last week and didn't make any fun new raw recipes. I might be able to on Thursday. I hope I can on Thursday. I need nut milk bags so I can make almond milk, and have the left over almond pulp to make almond flour to make some raw chocolate chip cookies.
The Boy and I did a little hike in the woods before work on Saturday. I was pretty down and he noticed and got me to start talking. Then I cried. I talked about everything on my mind lately, and how I've been feeling. I've been so out of it. It's weird because it seems like ever since I cried, I've been waking back up from a week or two long deep sleep or something. It felt like I was looking at everything through someone else's tired eyes. I figured it's either depression or something isn't right inside of me. That cry really helped though. He really helped me feel better too. Things just feel so hopeless right now. I'm tired of worrying.
I've been worrying more and more every day since I got fired about bills. Now I'm starting school for nails, and even though my mom said she'd help, I'm not sure she's going to help the way I might need if I don't get another job soon. So, job hunting Thursday will most likely take place. Casinos here I come!
Yesterday the Boy and I went to a couple flea markets, and I got two big freezer bags of embroidery thread for $7. I also got 4 books, which were only about a dollar each. Yay! I love flea markets. Afte rthat we had dinner at his mom's. We had pot roast and freash corn on the cob. I love corn. I'm trying to get myself tired of it before corn season ends. I think I'm having more today :)
My neck has been really stiff for the past week or so now. It keeps leading to a headache by the end of the day. I don't want to take excedrin every day. By the way it feels now, I'm going to need one later.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Got 'em!
Wow. September 1st already... it's the 2nd now, being after midnight and all, but oh well. I redyed my hair this morning. I have to stop waiting so long in between dyes. I never feel ike doing it but once I do, I realize how little time it takes all over again.
Sam and I went to Whole Foods today and I found my cookies!!! Found out they're vegan but not raw. I could have sworn they used to be, but maybe I read it wrong, maybe they changed it because of packaging not being ideal for raw foods, who knows. They are still all sorts of yummy! And not very high in calories :)
We also went for a walk in the woods. I wish it wasn't so humid. Could have done without the bugs too. A mosquito bit my head.
This is a short one because it's time for bed and I told the Boy I'd go in there like a half hour ago. Oops... Jusy not tired yet. I'm reading The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho, so I think I'll bring that in with me tonight. Good night!
Sam and I went to Whole Foods today and I found my cookies!!! Found out they're vegan but not raw. I could have sworn they used to be, but maybe I read it wrong, maybe they changed it because of packaging not being ideal for raw foods, who knows. They are still all sorts of yummy! And not very high in calories :)
We also went for a walk in the woods. I wish it wasn't so humid. Could have done without the bugs too. A mosquito bit my head.
This is a short one because it's time for bed and I told the Boy I'd go in there like a half hour ago. Oops... Jusy not tired yet. I'm reading The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho, so I think I'll bring that in with me tonight. Good night!
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