I got the job! I am an esthetician again! So happy about that. I can't wait to start. I start at the end of this month or the bgeinning of next month. I'm learning eyelash extensions, for free! Which is awesome, because I almost paid $500 for a class this past spring.
The day I had my interview and got hired, I got home to no cable and shortly after the internet went too because our bill is late. We scrounged every penny we have for rent. Phones are off too. While I am still excited about my new job, I am pretty miserable in ever other department. The Boy has been distant since the cable and internet went out, which is making me all insecure about us. He's going to be gone all week on top of that now, which means that since he's going to have internet in his hotels, he might not worry about hooking it back up at home until he gets home. I have a crap load of change wrapped up in my car to go in the bank to turn the phones back on, which will only work if my mom did put the rest of the money in my account from the work I did for her Tuesday.
I'm at McDonalds to use their free wi-fi. I'm such a loser right now. I can't stand this. The Boy has been through this before, and I have no idea how he is not more motivated than he is after having been through it. He has such a sense of entitlement, and I can not figure out where he could have gotten it from, because he hasn't done anything to earn it. I think he gets it from his mom, but she's done things with her life. I think he just picked it up from her, even though he doesn't have her motivation.
Today is a bad day. I have to ask girls at work if I can take a few shifts from them this month, and I have to talk to the manager about extra shifts and ask him why he passed over me for extra shifts to give those shifts to a girl that has been there 3 weeks. I've proven my reliability, and he gave it to her because he wants to sleep with her. That pisses me off. I have to say it nicer though. Thats going to be tough today.
I'm going to eat a little and go for a walk after this. I really need it. The Boy is at his parents helping replace the door. Our phones are out and I have no idea when he'll be home, or if he'll get home before I leave for work. I have no communication with any of my family or friends unless I'm at McDonalds, while he still has everyone near by, and can't show, or probably even feel, any empathy for my situation. I feel so fucking alone right now. I miss Pa, I miss my mom, and I miss having my life semi-together. SInce I moved up its just one thing after another to hold me back from what I want in life. Fucking tired of it. No matter how positive I try to see this whole fiasco, there is something there to contradict any good point I can think of right now. I feel like I moved up 250 miles, away from my family, my friends, and my whole childhood, only be with someone who can't muster up enough energy to show me half the affection and attention he gave me back when he still wanted something, or when I was still new and exciting to him. I ca't be the only one trying to inject fun into our relationship because it takes both people for it to actually work, and the more I feel shot down, or like he could just care less, or like he does the few things he does anymore just to shut me up about it. It's so obvious and he just denies. I'm an adiot for making everything so easy for him. I'm close to being done I think. That tired numb depression type thing I experienced last week was scary, but I think that if all of this keeps up, it'll happen until I'm over him.
I get like this when I feel like he could care less to see me or show any affection. I still have all of the same concerns I had a year ago, and it sucks. It's up to me to find all these jobs. When work is slow for him, I have to make up for it, when work is slow for me, I have to find a way to make it work. He has an inablility to see that he's unmotivated, and even lazy anymore. He gets to settle for what work gives him, but I have to try harder. One of two things is going to happen. I'm going to make more money some day and mostly suport us, or I'm going to make more money one day and have a nice place by myself. He realy thinks he's put as much toward bills as me. I've been keeping track of them in my phone, and I must say, I've paid much more. I was only short $25 this month for rent, and he makes a big deal out of getting the rest. He paid the phone bill last month too, so that puts him at an extra $125 for the past month. I paid our phone bill 5 months on my own, gave him an extra $270 the first month for rent, then about an extra $165 for gas that month. Puts me at + $435 toward bills over him. Thats just June. He let me go an extra $150 in July because of how much extra I put out in June. Down to +$285. August I gave $65 extra for rent, but he paid the phone bill so that takes $100 off me. That put me at +$250. I realize thats not a whole lot, but the point is I'm more likely to have the resposiblity to save and I end up being the idiot putting my savings into what he should be more than capable of paying. The fact that he seems to need to spend every penny he makes scares me. I can't be the ONLY resposibly one!
Holy stream of consciousness.
I'm not sure I even mean all of this, it's just crap pasing through my head.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier in Pa, than here in this situation.
I dont want to numb back up.
I can't wait to learn eyelash extensions, and start my skin care job. It might not make enough extra money from the start, but I'm getting experience again, and maybe I can do eyelash extension on my own somewhere in Ct where it won't compete with the spa I'll be working for extra money.
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