Resentment

My mom situation is pissing me off. It's another one of those, she called me three times in the span of about 20 minutes one day. I was in the bathrrom showering and getting ready for work so I couldn't answer. I didn't even hear the phone ring. I tried calling her back three times once I was on my way to work. Then a couple more times the next day. She didn't answer or try to call me back. Then she acts all weird about us not taking for a couple days. As if it was my fault and my fault only. There shouldn't even BE a fualt! Because there shouldn't even be an issue. I guess if she can't talk to me EXACTLY when she wants to, she has to play games and manipulate to... I don't even know. I'm not going to feed into it anymore, all thats going to do is enable her. Every time this happens I get a little more resentful. I'm sure she's gotten resentful from me moving but this crap is not going to help us stay close with me living 230 miles away. I don't feel guilty anymore like I would have before. I'm just sick of it. I think the fact that I have so much respect for her as a friend and mother that I don't and wouldn't do any of that to her. But she does it to me all the time. I hear every little tone, get every little secret meaning, indirect comment, and sound that can could ever possibly make when she means more than what she's just saying. Igrew up with her, I inherited a lot of these traits. I KNOW them, and hearing her use them on me is painful. Sometimes it makes me think I did good moving here to get away from it. I don't react to her the way I react to other people. I am way less likely to say what I should say to defend myself. I guess she raised me that way.

It's bad that lately, I feel like I could compare her to Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond.

I don't want to get more resentful, but I don't think things will ever be the same. Especially since everything that happened with Paul. I don't completely trust her since then. It was a huge slap in the face... slap in the soul, really. If that hadn't happened, I know I wouldn't have been able to move up here. I think I grieved more over that than everything else happening back then.

Maybe thats my clue. To stop being a doormat for everyone, not just some people. She has some clever retort to everything. Like a fucking lawyer. Not really the truth, but fluff that shouldn't matter any more than the fact that she doesn't want to lose the fight that she started. No matter how stupid, selfish, or pointless it is. She has to win. I'm like one of her old boyfriends or ex husnads that she once felt the need to try to manipulate to get what she wanted instead of just fucking saying it like an adult should know how to do.

The Boy is actually teaching me to talk about things instead of doing that. I was always more likely to talk about the real problem than her, but I still have that ick in me that wants to play games instead. The difference between her and me is that I'm learning to stop instead of just finding another person to do it to.

Tired of it. Really.