Resentment

I am getting more and more annoyed by my mom's tone when it comes to Matt. She can't be happy for anything that has to do with us, she always has this fucking tone in her voice when she mentions anything having to do with him. I fucking hate it. Gods forbid she help me, or try to help make me happier, but she isn't getting what she wants so I guess I'll just catch shit every fucking day until she gets what she wants. When I think of moving back to Pa, part of me doesn't want to just piss her off, because it feels like she doesn't care about my happiness as much as she cares about hers. Its not even tied.

A couple weeks ago Don was going to take the caddy to fix Matt soon to be new car. When he found out what it was, which was after Matt already agreed to take it, advised against it because the car is supposedly not good, now doesn't want to take the caddy, but still offered to take a look? I'm sure matt caught the vibes Don was giving out, so now we have to waste more money getting the car fixed up here because Matt senses Don's negaticity toward the whole situation. I can tell they're hoping things will be wrong with it so they are proven right. When my mom mentiond it earlier, she had this tone that really pissed me off. I got short with her after that. I don't know how I put up with it. I guess she raised me that way. Meanwhile, Don's fixing my fucking ex's car, and they're all talky with him and everything. They want nothing to do with Matt though. Is this supposed to make me realize they care or something? Because all it's doing is pissing me off and proving how much BS I'm going to have to deal with ALL the fucking time from my mom from now on because she's not getting what she wants. When I am ok, she finds ways to piss me off or upset me, when I'm not ok, she uses it to try to get me back to Pa. I miss Pa a lot and all but this makes me want to move back WAY less.

It's time to speak up. I'm not dealing with it anymore. Am I supposed to be sorry I didn't stay someone that lied to me on a daily basis, and at the very least tried cheating on me with 2 different ex girlfriends? I deserve better than that but I guess I should have put up with it, and been depressed and upset in that situation longer because thats what mom wanted. Fucking wonderful. I guess as long as I do things the way she wants me to, she'll be happy and thats all that matters. I might not be entirely happy now, but giving up on a relationship with someone I love, and moving back to Pa only to possibly still not be happy will not solve my problems. I am still happier now than I was for the last year or more with the ex. So fuck that. When she gives me the fucking tone from now on, she's getting something back. I will not the fucking emotional/verbal doormat anymore. I deserve better than that. I can't help but wonder if she really cares how much that hurts me inside, or if she'll just think to keep doing it because the plan is to break me until I move back. It's really just making me resentful. Kind of like how she took Pauls side after we broke up... brings back those great memories...

Yeah, resentful is the word for it.

I need to make more friends so I don't feel like I only have my mom to talk to.

Maybe moving an hour closer will shut that shit up. At least for a while.

How they are toward Matt still really pisses me off. I would never treat someone my mom loved like that. Ever. Just out of respect for her. It really hurts that I don't have that respect in return.

I need to put a stop to this. I am worth that respect.