Just in Case

Am I just selfish??? Or do I have a real reason to be unhappy with life right now?

The b/f hasn't worked all month, and I haven't heard abput any work yet, other than it'll pick up again in April.

The job he does have is (as of late) either not giving him work or giving him about 15 hours per week. In the fall and half of winter it was doing ok, but he wasn't able to save any money. Somehow... with us not really paying much rent. He tells me he has all of these bills to pay, but the next month they were never paid last month, and I have no idea where the money went.

Sex has become infrequent, except for the times I bitch about it being infrequent. All the while he tells me he has no libido, but manages to have it for porn when I'm not home, which brings back bad memories. Just because he's "not like Paul" I'm supposed to be ok with porn for him I guess.

He wants a house, and even though he's prequlified for a loan, it's not enough for a decent house, and we have no downpayment saved up.

I feel like he's on fb most of the day, but then when I get home is when he decides to start doing his "busy work" for fq, or whatever. He's usually at the other computer from which I get to stare at the back of his head all night. Most nights. He'll come over and sit next to me at the end of the night (once the internet on that computer goes out as it does every night).

Is it bad that I think to myself "I need a career because I can't count on anyone else to support me in any way" and "Once I'm making decent money I can support myself and my possbile future kids which I just might end up having on my own"?

I do need a career again. I started one at a good age, but the economy killed that industry in a lot of areas. This is a little more recession proof... the appraising. It might suck for a year but once it's done, I will be capable of making emough money to support a family, which I very well might end up doing.

I hate thinking like this. I just can't feel like I'm taking the back burner anymore. I'm worth way more than that, and if it's not worth it for him, it's not worth it for me. There are many people out there that would feel otherwise.

I'm tired of worrying, not knowing, not seeing proof, feeling anxious all the time because I'm not even sure how I'm going handle something... or not handle it. I can't help but feel that if there was some type of proof that he cared as much as I do, instead of everything rolling off him like water over an oily surface, I might not be so unsure, and unhappy, I might not feel like I have to do all of this for me, just in case. Again.

So I'm doing it, even if it means less me time, less time with the bf and less time with my friends for a little while. I guess it'll be a test of sorts.